What Do I Say?

Sometimes I am missing in action. This happens yearly, my creativity comes to a stop and I can’t seem to drag myself out of it. Writing can be hard at times… thinking about content, wanting to share with you personal details but sometimes feeling afraid. I think the important thing is that I am in front of a computer typing right now. I’m sure this will be pointless, but better to try than not, right? I have secrets to share, however I’m afraid the wrong people will come across this post and know what I’ve lied about. So I can’t necessarily share right now, but I do hope that I am able to do so in the future. I haven’t been making jewelry or playing with crystals in the last two months. This one hurts me because it really was a passion of mine and something I found down right fun. I have to start again… just need the motivation to do so. I’ve been managing my depression (seasonal) pretty well. My boyfriend agrees. December was really rough due to unemployment but I got through it, again. Good news is that is over and I’m thankful. My body dysmorphia is back and loud. This part sucks, but it’s frustrating. I keep hearing her whisper about how fat I am and how i need to change. Starve yourself. Lower your calories. I’ve done so but my body hasn’t changed and I just feel stuck. On an honest note this happens to those who recovered/are recovering, you just want the bones back. At least I do right now. I hope this doesn’t sound selfish and if it does, I am sorry. So currently I’m battling voices in my head. Not fun, but alas it is part of the game.

Talk soon.

All my love,

-Bells

When She's Gone

Her nail polish chips away

Her skin begins to dry

Her hair, messy, tangled, greasy

Her posture speaks volume

The life in her, where did it go? Did someone take it away?

No, we cannot find the culprit.

Her eyes show a story

One that is

Broken

Or it used to be

Her body describes her pain

The scars

Legs

Bruises

Where did she go?

How can I find her?

Can I help her?

The sun sets earlier than usual

The weather is chilly

Her feelings align with the season

Low

When she’s gone

She’ll come back

We just won’t know where she went, how she got there, or how she returned

- Seasons

Productivity and Depression

Happy Friday! Wishing you the best weekend. Remember to do something that excites you. Especially when you work. It’s important to take the weekend to practice self-care, and critical to do things and activities that excite you. One thing that I have been struggling with, as I like to say, is a dark cloud following me. Aka sad thoughts, falling into depression. During this time of the year I’ve struggled for a long time with seasonal depression. Despite living in the sunshine state, it still happens. I guess living on the east coast for 22 years has affected me and it carried over to SoCal. I’m determine to fight it. I’m on medication. I’m in therapy. I have to focus on the good in my life - my relationship, my job, my hobby, my three fur babies, my beautiful apartment… so how am I dealing with this right now? It was just today that I came to realize that productivity looks different for all of us. Personally, cleaning makes me feel better. Part of my OCD is having a clean floor. Call it crazy, but it really helps to vacuum. Especially with three animals, the fur can get annoying even though they don’t shed that much. I want to make sure that I am minimally watching TV, enjoying nature, reading, meditating, and focusing on my goals. I have to take it one day at a time, one step at a time. I know I can get through it this “winter.” My mom embedded in my brain to focus on the positive and remind myself of what other people are going through. To recognize that my stress, my worries are minimal compared to others. That’s not to say that my issues are not important. It’s a matter of putting issues in perspective. Well friends, that is it for now. I hope this helped you. I’ll be back.

All my love,

-Bells

Where Is The Love?

And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you’re bound to get irate
Madness is what you demonstrate
And that’s exactly how hate works and operates
Man, we gotta set it straight
Take control of your mind and just meditate
And let your soul just gravitate
To the love, so the whole world celebrate it
— Black Eyed Peas

Sleeping 1.11.18

Yesterday I went home and napped. It felt better to be asleep. I woke up around 7 for dinner and roam aimlessly because I didn't want to eat. I went to bed again at 8 and promised I'd wake up early - that didn't happen. I snoozed over and over again this morning. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to. When I finally did, I said "maybe today will feel better." Well, today is here and it feels empty. What do you do, if anything, when you feel down like this? You know how that word "inner motivation" comes up? I just can't find it ANYWHERE in me. The most motivation I have is to work out and sometimes that feels like an uphill battle. Oh, depression. Y u like this.

A Little Lost 1.10.18

I'm not sure where I've been. I've done this thing that I call "leaving my brain" and I interpret it as a coping mechanism. In all reality I'll have to admit that in the last few months my depression took my hand and escorted me down a dark, dark tunnel. I haven't felt this way in a while so it was an unwelcoming feeling. In addition to that I feel as though I have an existential crisis on a daily basis. That's like, not okay, right? I'm constantly questioning my purpose, my meaning, and what the heck I was put on this earth to do. Nonetheless given my state of sadness, questioning my worth and liveliness didn't help make me feel better. I've managed to isolate to the best of my ability. From August-November I hid in my apartment. While I did socialize, I did so on a infrequent basis. Each day felt difficult to get through. I went through a recent phase that I call "zombie-fying" where I would go 1-2 days a week without sleep. My insomnia felt as though it was out of control. Have you ever wanted so badly to sleep, but instead just lay there and stare into the darkness? Hmph, how often I got mad at my brain for not letting me sleep. It was an interesting experience, the insomnia, the depression - the most interesting was the lack of interest I had. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to move or breathe. I just wanted to, well how do I say this... I just wanted to die. And if you've felt like that before, you know it's a dreadful, heavy feeling. I've lost about this blog a lot since I've been MIA. I don't know what I want to do it with, though. I'm not sure of content to post or topics to talk about. I was encouraged yesterday just to write. So, alas, here I am. Telling you about my depression. Oftentimes I feel/felt alone. I cried a lot more than usual. While the tear eyed portion of my depression has passed, I still feel as though it lingers. I have gained some interest in usual activities, but there are days where it feels that dark cloud hovers me from sun to dark. Currently I'm dealing with a slump in my life called "I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know how to continue, I don't know how to be happy or what happiness is, and I am confused/scared/ just wanting to enjoy myself but seemingly unable to." Have you felt this way? I'm bored. Unfulfilled. Now, don't ask me what would fulfill me because I do not have the answer to that question. I don't have any productive tales to tell you. I don't have any updates or adventures that I've been on. I suppose the most productive thing I do is wake up, get dressed and try to act like a decent member of society. I am writing to tell you that I am still here and will try my best to make an active attempt to write again. If it makes you happy, do it, right? But writing can be hard sometimes. I don't want to bore you with the details of my life, since there isn't much to tell at the moment, so I'm not sure what to write about. I guess I can end this with some advise about what I do to help myself on the particularly hard days.

  1. Cry
  2. Take a nap or a cry break 1-2 times a day, if at work
  3. Cry in the car
  4. Watch a comedy film or tv show
  5. Cry again

all my love.

-bells