Sleeping 1.11.18

Yesterday I went home and napped. It felt better to be asleep. I woke up around 7 for dinner and roam aimlessly because I didn't want to eat. I went to bed again at 8 and promised I'd wake up early - that didn't happen. I snoozed over and over again this morning. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to. When I finally did, I said "maybe today will feel better." Well, today is here and it feels empty. What do you do, if anything, when you feel down like this? You know how that word "inner motivation" comes up? I just can't find it ANYWHERE in me. The most motivation I have is to work out and sometimes that feels like an uphill battle. Oh, depression. Y u like this.

When It's Easy Aug 2017

Just now I realized I'm having a rough day. Nothing really happened to categorize it as rough. No one died, no illness was deemed, everyone and everything are ok. But it's one of those days that my anxiety and depression want to scream.

"Worry about this, think about this, what if this doesn't happen, what if you go to Boston and something happens in LA, did you think about this?"

Today the voices don't end. My head hurts.

I encountered other people today who were stuck in their heads. Co-workers, people on the elevator, drivers on the 405. I realized that often times many of us get stuck in our heads. Some people just get out quicker. Today, for some reason, despite even going to the bathroom to pray, nothing was resolved. That led me to my next theme of the day which is instant gratification - this is another topic for another time.

Today I was tired. Today the pain that others close to me experience hurt me. Today I got angry. Today was just a day that everything triggered a button. The type where I wanted to roll my eyes. I wanted to be quick and difficult.

Luckily, I kept to myself today. I stayed in my lane. I knew my headspace wasn't appropriate for others. I didn't want to make someone else feel bad.

If I could take all of your problems away, I would. But I can't.

Happy August. Keep your head up. Keep doing what you can.

With all my love,

Bells.

 

I Would Suggest Wine When You Read This 7.5.17

**tangent and rambling filled**

Hi, you reading. I’m not sure who is visiting my blog but it looks like one day I got a total of EIGHT views?!?!?!? Where are you guys coming from? Don’t be shy. I’m a detail oriented person who will tell you anything and everything about anything. And I promise to ask you a billion questions because I care about who you are and who’ve you been.

I feel as if today/tonight (it’s 3am if anyone is wondering) is about disappointment. But I would like to add one step and go further: or maybe not actually. Ha – do any other writers ever spill it honestly like that? You mean open up my insecurities about topics I am not knowledgeable in. I want to WRITE ABOUT IT ALL! But I am not sure my words are backed up with proof. So I thread on water.

^^ The scribbles above were from a few days ago, Saturday night maybe? When I was on cloud 9. Today I am on cloud 10. Although I was shaken from the ground up (I’ll explain soon enough), I am hopeful. All honesty is that I was high and a little tipsy when writing those paragraphs. The fact that I wanted to discuss disappointment is important. When you are unsure of something, go with your gut. It’s a euphoric experience when you do it. I am not an expert in doing that, but I have been trying to allow my senses to show me the way. I think that when you can do this, you receive something different in return. I wouldn’t label it as “better” or “destiny”, but it is different, 100%.

So I’m gonna preach. And if this relates to you or anything you are going through, my purpose in writing succeeds. I can’t be the only one who feels this? How many people are sensitive, emotional, hyper, introverted, creative, thoughtful, genuine, funny, understanding, and make you feel like you’re on top of the world? Not many. But they exist. And when you find people like this, hold on and don’t let go.

I should start with saying as a habitual fuck-boy attractor, and someone who is completely blown away by the fact that some people in this world are actually just nice, now is a good time to really let myself express myself. I’m not sure why I was born this way, but for a long time, I felt something was wrong.

Why was I sensitive? Why are many reactions/responses/events, why do those seem to hit me like a ton of brick? Did other people think this way? Is it okay to care this much about everyone elses’ feelings? It didn’t feel normal.

I’m sure a bunch of my self-destructive tendencies come from this one thought. One. thought. That is all it took to direct a great life, to a not that great life. How many times I sat in pity because I was thinking a certain way. I wasn’t strong enough to control my head. Such a bummer, and such a waste of time that it took approximately 11 years to really get over this.

Anyways. I digress – please get used to this. I am not the type to tell a story and override one detail. If you ask, you probably won’t I’ll just offer and tell you, a long fucking story. Every detail. You’ll feel like you’re there if you want to feel that way.

Do you ever get that feeling when a song doesn’t fit the moment. Soon enough though, you find the right song? Yes. “It Ain’t Me” – Kygo. Did you also know that once upon a time I had a MySpace blog? Gosh, if only I could remember what the password to that profile is. It’s like puppies or something. I would absolutely roast myself if I found my blog.

Anyways.

Now, while we were supposed to talk about disappointments which is a huge freaking tangent I can dive face first into, my thoughts remain with my identity. Can we do both maybe?

I always want to say “I guess I am trying to say” or “I think I feel” or “I feel” statements and I am hating it. Recently I watched a podcast (yes, it was religious) and my understanding of it is that in order to create change, you need to hate what you’re doing. It’s possible to hate with good intention. I hate racism, I hate animal abuse, I hate lowering weights when I train shoulders, I hate being late, I hate not brushing my teeth, I hate feeling used, and I hate sinking to peoples’ levels.

What we talked about above in case your mind wandered is that hate statements as positive. Unless you’re super hardcore and a freak of nature that has the ability to just change their mind when they please, maybe try the hate method. I’ll try to and let you know how it goes.

Disappointments – back to the original point, and it’s nice to meet you here again. Reading this must feel like being in an airport and your flight is delayed every 30 min because it’s American Airlines.

I also like to live in the what-if’s. So please note that when I talk like this, I am not actually living in the what-ifs. You can’t live there. But I am acknowledging the severe train brain thought process that gets me every time.

I seriously think this happened recently and it’s a new wave connection in my brain because I’ve never thought this strongly, powerfully or passionately before. I am standing up for what I believe, questioning people in conversation, challenging people, molding to them, and having a great time while doing so. Who is this person that was social this weekend? Who is this person that went on a date to a museum? Who is this person who moved across the country with 0 expectations, just a heart filled with dreams? …. Me. This is some other level outer body feeling because I think my intuition just kicked in. Did someone transfer this energy my way at Hermosa Beach? Lyft driver, is it you? Since you didn’t snap me back although I thought we were vibing.

Maybe I was upset today because I came across as confident in my vibes, while being let down at the exact same time. SO.MANY.FEELINGS. I vibed with someone and it went 178% the other way of what I expected. Not cool universe, I thought everyone lived in my fairy tale and swept me off my feet.

This is the part I question myself. Perhaps it’s questioning out of curiosity. Which I’ve also learned is that I am a curious person. Also silly. Very silly, silly Bells. That’s a coping mechanism – you relate when I tell you adulting is hard.

Part of me wants to end talking. Part of me doesn’t. I’m still experimenting so I am trying new methods of writing. This is called “let it the fuck out”. I guess I should use my non-platform on Instagram and tell you my quote on my second last picture was “Is your focus on what is or what isn’t?”

I don’t handle disappointments very well. In fact, I handle them horribly. I cry. I look towards others for answers because I can’t take my own advice yet I expect to create amazing interactions with others, though right now I am struggling with how I connect to I. You get me? (this is the phrase I am starting to become self-conscious about. But I like saying it).

It hurts to be let down especially when you see such high potential in most people. Gosh, do I want you to own the world. Your world.

I don’t have the answer to disappointments. No idea. Laugh at them, let’s try that. Let’s end this with relate screenshots from Pinterest. If I’m ever more thoughtful, I’ll make it look good.

Curvy in a Thin World 1.25.17

let-it-hurt-and-let-it-go.jpg

 

Once I accepted my body I opened the portal of "acceptance".

This is a daily struggle and it has a range. Accepting myself, accepting others, accepting I don't control all outcomes, accepting the future is unknown, and accepting that life always moves even when you want it to stand still.

Early on in adolescence, I felt I was programmed incorrectly. I was anxious, emotional, easily upset, easily angered, etc. Why wasn't I like others? Why did I struggle so heavily with my mental health? Thus eventually my eating disorder manifested and hot damn did she take over my life. I'll share this with you because why not. At age 16 (going on 17) my English class was reading "The Crucible". The main character, Abigail was a manipulating bitch to say it nicely. So alas I named what truly felt like another person in my head Abby. 

Over the course of my entries I'll dig further into Abby, but to surface this for our sole purpose of making a point, eventually, I taught myself to NOT accept who I am/was. To question it. Doubt it. Change it.  It started as hating my curves. I didn't get WHY I had to be curvy. This over time translated into a strong desire of thinness and when I finally reached that it was euphoric. Over time my illness took over my brain to the point where school and work were severely struggling. I had to change my mind. I had to fight the voice. I had to stand up, I had to take steps forward and I had to accept. There's no clear-cut way to do this. How I did it? I bought a dog. I quit one of my part time jobs. I avoided mirrors. I checked out - I took online classes that semester because leaving my home was too hard...

Once I accepted my body, I accepted myself. Once I accepted myself, I learned to stand up to fear. In essence, this move across country is so important to me because once upon a time the only move I thought possible was dug 10 feet underground in a cemetery.

Who am I? I am Isabella. I am funny. I make myself laugh all the time and I bet $10 I'll make you laugh at least once. I am furiously in love with animals - dogs, cats, horses, orangutans, birds, rats, snakes not so much but it's a work in progress. I am dramatic. I care so freaking much about your feelings. I can cry on command. I am strong, not because I lift weights regularly but because of the hardships, I've overcome. 

On an honest note, I feel this post was messy. But that's who I am at this moment in time - I'm messy. Yesterday I was crying and anxious as F and today I have faith that I will be okay. Do you ever feel like that? It's normal, you're not bipolar, you're human. My concluding point is once you can accept your body and your personality, you will believe in miracles.

Talk soon,

Isabella