Yesterday I went home and napped. It felt better to be asleep. I woke up around 7 for dinner and roam aimlessly because I didn't want to eat. I went to bed again at 8 and promised I'd wake up early - that didn't happen. I snoozed over and over again this morning. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to. When I finally did, I said "maybe today will feel better." Well, today is here and it feels empty. What do you do, if anything, when you feel down like this? You know how that word "inner motivation" comes up? I just can't find it ANYWHERE in me. The most motivation I have is to work out and sometimes that feels like an uphill battle. Oh, depression. Y u like this.
I'm not sure where I've been. I've done this thing that I call "leaving my brain" and I interpret it as a coping mechanism. In all reality I'll have to admit that in the last few months my depression took my hand and escorted me down a dark, dark tunnel. I haven't felt this way in a while so it was an unwelcoming feeling. In addition to that I feel as though I have an existential crisis on a daily basis. That's like, not okay, right? I'm constantly questioning my purpose, my meaning, and what the heck I was put on this earth to do. Nonetheless given my state of sadness, questioning my worth and liveliness didn't help make me feel better. I've managed to isolate to the best of my ability. From August-November I hid in my apartment. While I did socialize, I did so on a infrequent basis. Each day felt difficult to get through. I went through a recent phase that I call "zombie-fying" where I would go 1-2 days a week without sleep. My insomnia felt as though it was out of control. Have you ever wanted so badly to sleep, but instead just lay there and stare into the darkness? Hmph, how often I got mad at my brain for not letting me sleep. It was an interesting experience, the insomnia, the depression - the most interesting was the lack of interest I had. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to move or breathe. I just wanted to, well how do I say this... I just wanted to die. And if you've felt like that before, you know it's a dreadful, heavy feeling. I've lost about this blog a lot since I've been MIA. I don't know what I want to do it with, though. I'm not sure of content to post or topics to talk about. I was encouraged yesterday just to write. So, alas, here I am. Telling you about my depression. Oftentimes I feel/felt alone. I cried a lot more than usual. While the tear eyed portion of my depression has passed, I still feel as though it lingers. I have gained some interest in usual activities, but there are days where it feels that dark cloud hovers me from sun to dark. Currently I'm dealing with a slump in my life called "I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know how to continue, I don't know how to be happy or what happiness is, and I am confused/scared/ just wanting to enjoy myself but seemingly unable to." Have you felt this way? I'm bored. Unfulfilled. Now, don't ask me what would fulfill me because I do not have the answer to that question. I don't have any productive tales to tell you. I don't have any updates or adventures that I've been on. I suppose the most productive thing I do is wake up, get dressed and try to act like a decent member of society. I am writing to tell you that I am still here and will try my best to make an active attempt to write again. If it makes you happy, do it, right? But writing can be hard sometimes. I don't want to bore you with the details of my life, since there isn't much to tell at the moment, so I'm not sure what to write about. I guess I can end this with some advise about what I do to help myself on the particularly hard days.
- Take a nap or a cry break 1-2 times a day, if at work
- Cry in the car
- Watch a comedy film or tv show
- Cry again
all my love.
Honestly I live constantly in the world of "What if?" What if this happens, what is X says this, what if Y occurs when I do that, what if, what if, what if.
I call this anxiety. A word that's thrown around, a common disorder, one that I've been associated with for over 10 years now. Anxiety... she will slowly creep into your life, into your head, making you question your instincts, your knowledge, she'll fuck with you. Be aware.
What is anxiety? Per Google's search engine anxiety is a feeling of worry, unease, or nervousness typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain situation. So anxiety is common when you are moving across country by yourself (cough), realize it's been 30 minutes since your crush has texted you, study really hard for a chemistry exam you've struggled thus far with comprehending the material, get an e-mail from your boss saying "Let's talk about this sometime today", realize that the health of others isn't in your control, etc, etc, etc.
But what does anxiety feel like? Does it feel like your head is spinning, your stomach is in knots, your balance is off, your thoughts don't stop, your sweaty, not hungry, and thrown off balance? Does it make you reach for the substance? Yes, why yes it does.
Some people, like myself struggle with severe anxiety. This anxiety is then translated to behaviors. I can only speak for myself and remember internalizing the worry as a reason to restrict, purge, over-exercise, stay up all night and think... Anxiety really took over my life, it held me captive and immobile for a good 2 years. Today, while I still deal often with anxiety (and without medication) I have found some ways to cope.
- Breathe. Seriously, just try to breathe. Follow your breath for 10-30 seconds. Dim the lights, close your eyes, focus on your body. (The body focus part will be hard if you are in your first steps of recovery from an ED).
- Acknowledge your head racing a million miles, notice don't control it. Just notice it. be aware. Be mindful.
- Try to write it out. Sometimes seeing how irrational my thoughts are on paper or a Word doc in front of me helps me put things into perspective
- Write 1, 2, or 3 things you're grateful for in this moment. If you can make it to 5 that's awesome and pretty badass
- Do you believe in God? Do you believe in something? (The universe!) Lately this has helped me. Believing that what will happen, will happen. Worrying about it is energy that could be spent elsewhere.
- This one may not be helpful, but is there anything you can do to distract yourself. Oftentimes in therapy or mindfulness groups, this isn't suggested. But for me in my experience sometimes a great TV show, a nap, or a good lift is pretty therapeutic
- Talk to someone. Hear someone reassure you. Your mom, dad? A good friend? Having support is always beneficial
A lot of my "what if" moments today came from my move. It's just like mind boggling that this is really happening. It's cool because I am taking control of my life and the one thing I have wanted/aspired/dreamt of is moving to Southern California. Guys, this is literally my freaking dream. And it's happening. But shit, the anxiety that has come with this sometimes feels impairing. So today as I spent 2+ hours on apartments.com (amongst other websites) realizing that $1,600 for a one bed room is all I'm going to find, especially if I want to come back and bring my dog with me, I'm going to have to accept this is the reality and the expense that comes with being in sunny palm tree land LA.
It's nerve wracking to me that I'm taking these steps on my own. But then, I remembered I am not alone. I have a great support system (my parents, primarily) behind me. My parents will help me financially and that is such a blessing. How many of you have this option in your life? I hope you do because it feels so cushiony to have someone to ask for if financially I find I'm in a pickle.
This can be another topic, but a huge OCD trait of mine is money. I am obsessive. So OCD + anxiety is not the best mix. Alas over the last two years I've made tremendous progress working on this. Although, it still exists, and is now about to be triggered. How will I handle this?
I'll use the suggestions I indicated above. I'll put all my trust into God. I'll be rational and realize that money is here to be spent. I will find a job. I will find an apartment. I will furnish the apartment. I will bring my dog to the West Coast once I'm settled. I will thrive. And I will not let my anxiety hinder my well-being.
If anyone reads this and has any suggestions as to how they handle their anxiety, please leave it below!