A Little Lost 1.10.18

I'm not sure where I've been. I've done this thing that I call "leaving my brain" and I interpret it as a coping mechanism. In all reality I'll have to admit that in the last few months my depression took my hand and escorted me down a dark, dark tunnel. I haven't felt this way in a while so it was an unwelcoming feeling. In addition to that I feel as though I have an existential crisis on a daily basis. That's like, not okay, right? I'm constantly questioning my purpose, my meaning, and what the heck I was put on this earth to do. Nonetheless given my state of sadness, questioning my worth and liveliness didn't help make me feel better. I've managed to isolate to the best of my ability. From August-November I hid in my apartment. While I did socialize, I did so on a infrequent basis. Each day felt difficult to get through. I went through a recent phase that I call "zombie-fying" where I would go 1-2 days a week without sleep. My insomnia felt as though it was out of control. Have you ever wanted so badly to sleep, but instead just lay there and stare into the darkness? Hmph, how often I got mad at my brain for not letting me sleep. It was an interesting experience, the insomnia, the depression - the most interesting was the lack of interest I had. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to move or breathe. I just wanted to, well how do I say this... I just wanted to die. And if you've felt like that before, you know it's a dreadful, heavy feeling. I've lost about this blog a lot since I've been MIA. I don't know what I want to do it with, though. I'm not sure of content to post or topics to talk about. I was encouraged yesterday just to write. So, alas, here I am. Telling you about my depression. Oftentimes I feel/felt alone. I cried a lot more than usual. While the tear eyed portion of my depression has passed, I still feel as though it lingers. I have gained some interest in usual activities, but there are days where it feels that dark cloud hovers me from sun to dark. Currently I'm dealing with a slump in my life called "I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know how to continue, I don't know how to be happy or what happiness is, and I am confused/scared/ just wanting to enjoy myself but seemingly unable to." Have you felt this way? I'm bored. Unfulfilled. Now, don't ask me what would fulfill me because I do not have the answer to that question. I don't have any productive tales to tell you. I don't have any updates or adventures that I've been on. I suppose the most productive thing I do is wake up, get dressed and try to act like a decent member of society. I am writing to tell you that I am still here and will try my best to make an active attempt to write again. If it makes you happy, do it, right? But writing can be hard sometimes. I don't want to bore you with the details of my life, since there isn't much to tell at the moment, so I'm not sure what to write about. I guess I can end this with some advise about what I do to help myself on the particularly hard days.

  1. Cry
  2. Take a nap or a cry break 1-2 times a day, if at work
  3. Cry in the car
  4. Watch a comedy film or tv show
  5. Cry again

all my love.

-bells

I Would Suggest Wine When You Read This 7.5.17

**tangent and rambling filled**

Hi, you reading. I’m not sure who is visiting my blog but it looks like one day I got a total of EIGHT views?!?!?!? Where are you guys coming from? Don’t be shy. I’m a detail oriented person who will tell you anything and everything about anything. And I promise to ask you a billion questions because I care about who you are and who’ve you been.

I feel as if today/tonight (it’s 3am if anyone is wondering) is about disappointment. But I would like to add one step and go further: or maybe not actually. Ha – do any other writers ever spill it honestly like that? You mean open up my insecurities about topics I am not knowledgeable in. I want to WRITE ABOUT IT ALL! But I am not sure my words are backed up with proof. So I thread on water.

^^ The scribbles above were from a few days ago, Saturday night maybe? When I was on cloud 9. Today I am on cloud 10. Although I was shaken from the ground up (I’ll explain soon enough), I am hopeful. All honesty is that I was high and a little tipsy when writing those paragraphs. The fact that I wanted to discuss disappointment is important. When you are unsure of something, go with your gut. It’s a euphoric experience when you do it. I am not an expert in doing that, but I have been trying to allow my senses to show me the way. I think that when you can do this, you receive something different in return. I wouldn’t label it as “better” or “destiny”, but it is different, 100%.

So I’m gonna preach. And if this relates to you or anything you are going through, my purpose in writing succeeds. I can’t be the only one who feels this? How many people are sensitive, emotional, hyper, introverted, creative, thoughtful, genuine, funny, understanding, and make you feel like you’re on top of the world? Not many. But they exist. And when you find people like this, hold on and don’t let go.

I should start with saying as a habitual fuck-boy attractor, and someone who is completely blown away by the fact that some people in this world are actually just nice, now is a good time to really let myself express myself. I’m not sure why I was born this way, but for a long time, I felt something was wrong.

Why was I sensitive? Why are many reactions/responses/events, why do those seem to hit me like a ton of brick? Did other people think this way? Is it okay to care this much about everyone elses’ feelings? It didn’t feel normal.

I’m sure a bunch of my self-destructive tendencies come from this one thought. One. thought. That is all it took to direct a great life, to a not that great life. How many times I sat in pity because I was thinking a certain way. I wasn’t strong enough to control my head. Such a bummer, and such a waste of time that it took approximately 11 years to really get over this.

Anyways. I digress – please get used to this. I am not the type to tell a story and override one detail. If you ask, you probably won’t I’ll just offer and tell you, a long fucking story. Every detail. You’ll feel like you’re there if you want to feel that way.

Do you ever get that feeling when a song doesn’t fit the moment. Soon enough though, you find the right song? Yes. “It Ain’t Me” – Kygo. Did you also know that once upon a time I had a MySpace blog? Gosh, if only I could remember what the password to that profile is. It’s like puppies or something. I would absolutely roast myself if I found my blog.

Anyways.

Now, while we were supposed to talk about disappointments which is a huge freaking tangent I can dive face first into, my thoughts remain with my identity. Can we do both maybe?

I always want to say “I guess I am trying to say” or “I think I feel” or “I feel” statements and I am hating it. Recently I watched a podcast (yes, it was religious) and my understanding of it is that in order to create change, you need to hate what you’re doing. It’s possible to hate with good intention. I hate racism, I hate animal abuse, I hate lowering weights when I train shoulders, I hate being late, I hate not brushing my teeth, I hate feeling used, and I hate sinking to peoples’ levels.

What we talked about above in case your mind wandered is that hate statements as positive. Unless you’re super hardcore and a freak of nature that has the ability to just change their mind when they please, maybe try the hate method. I’ll try to and let you know how it goes.

Disappointments – back to the original point, and it’s nice to meet you here again. Reading this must feel like being in an airport and your flight is delayed every 30 min because it’s American Airlines.

I also like to live in the what-if’s. So please note that when I talk like this, I am not actually living in the what-ifs. You can’t live there. But I am acknowledging the severe train brain thought process that gets me every time.

I seriously think this happened recently and it’s a new wave connection in my brain because I’ve never thought this strongly, powerfully or passionately before. I am standing up for what I believe, questioning people in conversation, challenging people, molding to them, and having a great time while doing so. Who is this person that was social this weekend? Who is this person that went on a date to a museum? Who is this person who moved across the country with 0 expectations, just a heart filled with dreams? …. Me. This is some other level outer body feeling because I think my intuition just kicked in. Did someone transfer this energy my way at Hermosa Beach? Lyft driver, is it you? Since you didn’t snap me back although I thought we were vibing.

Maybe I was upset today because I came across as confident in my vibes, while being let down at the exact same time. SO.MANY.FEELINGS. I vibed with someone and it went 178% the other way of what I expected. Not cool universe, I thought everyone lived in my fairy tale and swept me off my feet.

This is the part I question myself. Perhaps it’s questioning out of curiosity. Which I’ve also learned is that I am a curious person. Also silly. Very silly, silly Bells. That’s a coping mechanism – you relate when I tell you adulting is hard.

Part of me wants to end talking. Part of me doesn’t. I’m still experimenting so I am trying new methods of writing. This is called “let it the fuck out”. I guess I should use my non-platform on Instagram and tell you my quote on my second last picture was “Is your focus on what is or what isn’t?”

I don’t handle disappointments very well. In fact, I handle them horribly. I cry. I look towards others for answers because I can’t take my own advice yet I expect to create amazing interactions with others, though right now I am struggling with how I connect to I. You get me? (this is the phrase I am starting to become self-conscious about. But I like saying it).

It hurts to be let down especially when you see such high potential in most people. Gosh, do I want you to own the world. Your world.

I don’t have the answer to disappointments. No idea. Laugh at them, let’s try that. Let’s end this with relate screenshots from Pinterest. If I’m ever more thoughtful, I’ll make it look good.

Curvy in a Thin World 1.25.17

let-it-hurt-and-let-it-go.jpg

 

Once I accepted my body I opened the portal of "acceptance".

This is a daily struggle and it has a range. Accepting myself, accepting others, accepting I don't control all outcomes, accepting the future is unknown, and accepting that life always moves even when you want it to stand still.

Early on in adolescence, I felt I was programmed incorrectly. I was anxious, emotional, easily upset, easily angered, etc. Why wasn't I like others? Why did I struggle so heavily with my mental health? Thus eventually my eating disorder manifested and hot damn did she take over my life. I'll share this with you because why not. At age 16 (going on 17) my English class was reading "The Crucible". The main character, Abigail was a manipulating bitch to say it nicely. So alas I named what truly felt like another person in my head Abby. 

Over the course of my entries I'll dig further into Abby, but to surface this for our sole purpose of making a point, eventually, I taught myself to NOT accept who I am/was. To question it. Doubt it. Change it.  It started as hating my curves. I didn't get WHY I had to be curvy. This over time translated into a strong desire of thinness and when I finally reached that it was euphoric. Over time my illness took over my brain to the point where school and work were severely struggling. I had to change my mind. I had to fight the voice. I had to stand up, I had to take steps forward and I had to accept. There's no clear-cut way to do this. How I did it? I bought a dog. I quit one of my part time jobs. I avoided mirrors. I checked out - I took online classes that semester because leaving my home was too hard...

Once I accepted my body, I accepted myself. Once I accepted myself, I learned to stand up to fear. In essence, this move across country is so important to me because once upon a time the only move I thought possible was dug 10 feet underground in a cemetery.

Who am I? I am Isabella. I am funny. I make myself laugh all the time and I bet $10 I'll make you laugh at least once. I am furiously in love with animals - dogs, cats, horses, orangutans, birds, rats, snakes not so much but it's a work in progress. I am dramatic. I care so freaking much about your feelings. I can cry on command. I am strong, not because I lift weights regularly but because of the hardships, I've overcome. 

On an honest note, I feel this post was messy. But that's who I am at this moment in time - I'm messy. Yesterday I was crying and anxious as F and today I have faith that I will be okay. Do you ever feel like that? It's normal, you're not bipolar, you're human. My concluding point is once you can accept your body and your personality, you will believe in miracles.

Talk soon,

Isabella

 

Anxiety: What IF? 1.18.17

Honestly I live constantly in the world of "What if?" What if this happens, what is X says this, what if Y occurs when I do that, what if, what if, what if.

I call this anxiety. A word that's thrown around, a common disorder, one that I've been associated with for over 10 years now. Anxiety... she will slowly creep into your life, into your head, making you question your instincts, your knowledge, she'll fuck with you. Be aware.

What is anxiety? Per Google's search engine anxiety is a feeling of worry, unease, or nervousness typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain situation. So anxiety is common when you are moving across country by yourself (cough), realize it's been 30 minutes since your crush has texted you, study really hard for a chemistry exam you've struggled thus far with comprehending the material, get an e-mail from your boss saying "Let's talk about this sometime today", realize that the health of others isn't in your control, etc, etc, etc.

But what does anxiety feel like? Does it feel like your head is spinning, your stomach is in knots, your balance is off, your thoughts don't stop, your sweaty, not hungry, and thrown off balance? Does it make you reach for the substance? Yes, why yes it does. 

Some people, like myself struggle with severe anxiety. This anxiety is then translated to behaviors. I can only speak for myself and remember internalizing the worry as a reason to restrict, purge, over-exercise, stay up all night and think... Anxiety really took over my life, it held me captive and immobile for a good 2 years. Today, while I still deal often with anxiety (and without medication) I have found some ways to cope.

  • Breathe. Seriously, just try to breathe. Follow your breath for 10-30 seconds. Dim the lights, close your eyes, focus on your body. (The body focus part will be hard if you are in your first steps of recovery from an ED).
  • Acknowledge your head racing a million miles, notice don't control it. Just notice it. be aware. Be mindful.
  • Try to write it out. Sometimes seeing how irrational my thoughts are on paper or a Word doc in front of me helps me put things into perspective
  • Write 1, 2, or 3 things you're grateful for in this moment. If you can make it to 5 that's awesome and pretty badass
  • Do you believe in God? Do you believe in something? (The universe!) Lately this has helped me. Believing that what will happen, will happen. Worrying about it is energy that could be spent elsewhere.
  • This one may not be helpful, but is there anything you can do to distract yourself. Oftentimes in therapy or mindfulness groups, this isn't suggested. But for me in my experience sometimes a great TV show, a nap, or a good lift is pretty therapeutic
  • Talk to someone. Hear someone reassure you. Your mom, dad? A good friend? Having support is always beneficial

 

A lot of my  "what if" moments today came from my move. It's just like mind boggling that this is really happening. It's cool because I am taking control of my life and the one thing I have wanted/aspired/dreamt of is moving to Southern California. Guys, this is literally my freaking dream. And it's happening. But shit, the anxiety that has come with this sometimes feels impairing. So today as I spent 2+ hours on apartments.com (amongst other websites) realizing that $1,600 for a one bed room is all I'm going to find, especially if I want to come back and bring my dog with me, I'm going to have to accept this is the reality and the expense that comes with being in sunny palm tree land LA.

It's nerve wracking to me that I'm taking these steps on my own. But then, I remembered I am not alone. I have a great support system (my parents, primarily) behind me. My parents will help me financially and that is such a blessing. How many of you have this option in your life? I hope you do because it feels so cushiony to have someone to ask for if financially I find I'm in a pickle.

This can be another topic, but a huge OCD trait of mine is money. I am obsessive. So OCD + anxiety is not the best mix. Alas over the last two years I've made tremendous progress working on this. Although, it still exists, and is now about to be triggered. How will I handle this?

I'll use the suggestions I indicated above. I'll put all my trust into God. I'll be rational and realize that money is here to be spent. I will find a job. I will find an apartment. I will furnish the apartment. I will bring my dog to the West Coast once I'm settled. I will thrive. And I will not let my anxiety hinder my well-being.

If anyone reads this and has any suggestions as to how they handle their anxiety, please leave it below!

Talk soon,

Isabella