Curvy in a Thin World 1.25.17



Once I accepted my body I opened the portal of "acceptance".

This is a daily struggle and it has a range. Accepting myself, accepting others, accepting I don't control all outcomes, accepting the future is unknown, and accepting that life always moves even when you want it to stand still.

Early on in adolescence, I felt I was programmed incorrectly. I was anxious, emotional, easily upset, easily angered, etc. Why wasn't I like others? Why did I struggle so heavily with my mental health? Thus eventually my eating disorder manifested and hot damn did she take over my life. I'll share this with you because why not. At age 16 (going on 17) my English class was reading "The Crucible". The main character, Abigail was a manipulating bitch to say it nicely. So alas I named what truly felt like another person in my head Abby. 

Over the course of my entries I'll dig further into Abby, but to surface this for our sole purpose of making a point, eventually, I taught myself to NOT accept who I am/was. To question it. Doubt it. Change it.  It started as hating my curves. I didn't get WHY I had to be curvy. This over time translated into a strong desire of thinness and when I finally reached that it was euphoric. Over time my illness took over my brain to the point where school and work were severely struggling. I had to change my mind. I had to fight the voice. I had to stand up, I had to take steps forward and I had to accept. There's no clear-cut way to do this. How I did it? I bought a dog. I quit one of my part time jobs. I avoided mirrors. I checked out - I took online classes that semester because leaving my home was too hard...

Once I accepted my body, I accepted myself. Once I accepted myself, I learned to stand up to fear. In essence, this move across country is so important to me because once upon a time the only move I thought possible was dug 10 feet underground in a cemetery.

Who am I? I am Isabella. I am funny. I make myself laugh all the time and I bet $10 I'll make you laugh at least once. I am furiously in love with animals - dogs, cats, horses, orangutans, birds, rats, snakes not so much but it's a work in progress. I am dramatic. I care so freaking much about your feelings. I can cry on command. I am strong, not because I lift weights regularly but because of the hardships, I've overcome. 

On an honest note, I feel this post was messy. But that's who I am at this moment in time - I'm messy. Yesterday I was crying and anxious as F and today I have faith that I will be okay. Do you ever feel like that? It's normal, you're not bipolar, you're human. My concluding point is once you can accept your body and your personality, you will believe in miracles.

Talk soon,