To reiterate, again, The Bella Step is about Isabella opening up to the world wide web about her personal struggles. Diverging from the third person talk, honestly, it’s absolutely frightening for me to sit here and tell you the stories I intend on sharing. It’s like…. what if I knew your deepest, darkest secrets? The entire concept behind TBS is to create discussion, inform, and help the movement that is going to destigmatize mental health. In order to do that on this platform, I must share my tales with you. I’m going to disclose this as well - I don’t intend to ever put anyone on blast or tint the privacy of my friends, family or extended family members. I’ll thread on water in regards to sensitivity; it is my belief that we all deserve the privacy we are entitled to. So bare with me. I’m also going to put this disclaimer in here, yet again… I am NOT a licensed mental health professional. Just a girl, rather a woman so to say, sharing her journey with you.
I’ve overdosed, more times than I’d like to admit. One of these days I’ll tally up the total amount and we’ll work from there. For the time being be aware that I have come close to ending my life. Multiple. Times. This topic is HEAVY for me and one that is so, so, so near my heart. I expect to shed a few tears writing this. For the sake of simplicity, I’m going to override the background information that I’ll assume you’re already aware of. I struggled with a horrible fucking eating disorder for 6+ years. Alongside that alienated time frame, I picked up a pill popping habit. I’ve disclosed this before: my personal drug of choice were benzos and alcohol. I used to call it my nightly cocktail; it was all that would put me to sleep. I wanted to numb. Numb my brain. Numb my pain. Numb… make the noises go away. Let me sleep, brain, let me sleep. Unfortunately at the time this was my coping mechanism. This was how I lived.
Suicide, as we know, is different than suicidal ideation. The concept behind it is to some degree we may all experience thoughts of killing ourselves, ending our lives, etc. But when does the red flag come out? When someone proposes a plan. However, in light of suicide prevention week, I’ll take it a few steps backwards and say we SHOULD and MUST address ideation. We at the very least can do what we are doing right now which is to talk about it.
Also in recent light and tribute to Mac Miller, Avicci, and the long list of other celebrities we have lost to overdosing, I’d like to take this time to take a moment of silence. For those who have taken their lives, for those who have accidentally taken their lives, and for those who are currently struggling.
Whew, the tears have started.
Quick music break. This song helped me severely each and every time my mind brought me to the dark hole.
Suicidal ideation isn’t directed to one population or groups of people. We are all disposed or can be impaired by these ideas. You can’t categorize this neither should you try. There are warning signs: hopelessness, social withdrawal, and depression (to name the big 3 as indicated by the World Health Organization). In my personal experience I didn’t exhibit these behaviors, not on the surface at least. I have this saying, and my boyfriend hates when I use it but hot damn is it the truth… I am a great actress. Always have and will be. I am able to put on a face when needed. At the time of my suffering, only those closest to me knew what was going on. On the surface? Sure, you saw a thin girl, but you wouldn’t have guessed the thoughts that raced through my brain on a daily basis. The voices telling me to do it. What’s the point? You don’t matter. End it now. Why not?
What HELPED ME PERSONALLY: those of you who CONTINUED to check in on me. Those of YOU who continued to show your dedication, love and commitment to me. My family, my rocks, my blood, my saviors - thank you from my heart and above for FIGHTING alongside with me. My professional team at the time - thank you for your guidance and your medical support. Thank you for your patience. Thank you. I am alive and here today because those of you who refused to give up on me, even when I told you to. Those of you who knew that underneath it all, I was broken; broken pieces of glass that just needed to be glued together; with love, kindness, and laughter. You each helped me piece back together who I was and am. *cue tears*
It’s not a fun place to be. To consider taking your own life. No one wishes that upon themselves. It just… well, it just happens. It’s a mental illness. Please have compassion and an open heart. Don’t be quick to judge. Every day someone commits suicide. It can happen to anyone. Help me and join the movement, it doesn’t have to be this way.
In Loving Memory - DC 1/13/14
All my love,