Day 4 FTW

**Posted Jan 2015**


Kicking ass, yet again. Although today is not over, I'm proud to say day 4 of my accountability with myself is going great. It's the second day I've gone to the gym before work and then after. I like waking up early. Today it was so cold, I snoozed for a moment and then I asked myself, "do you think 20 minutes of extra sleep will really make you feel better or worse?" So I got up and faced the freezing weather. Very proud of myself! I went to work, went back to the gym, doctors appointment, put away my laundry, cleaned a bit and here I am.

Today's workout (maybe I should log this? I'm not good with logging it on my phone lol) Although I have a workout plan -- yes I actually paid someone to tell me how to workout haha -- I like to do full body days rather than isolate body areas. Whatever!

  • 5:30AM - 2 miles (21 minutes) on the cybex machine ---- I wear my fitbit and trust that when it comes to mileage. So far I've experimented with three different types of trackers and the Fitbit flex seems to be the most accurate. Never trust the machine!
  • Squats - 10 x 2 w/ 40 lbs bar
  • Dumbells incline shoulder press 12.5 lbs 10 x 3
  • Dumbbell bicep curl 12.5 lbs 10 x 3
  • Cable bicep curl 20 lbs 10 x 2, 30 lbs 10 x 1

I went to work. Went back at 11:30. Tanned.

  • Chest press machine - 20 lbs 10 x 1, 25 lbs 10 x 1, 30 lbs 10 x 1
  • Seated row machine - 50 lbs 10 x 1, 60 lbs 10 x 1, 70 lbs 10 x 1
  • Leg extension (quads) 35 lbs 10 x 2 and 50 lbs 10 x 1
  • Abductor machine - 50 lbs 12 x 2 and 70 lbs 10 x 2
  • Cardio! Treadmill 15 minutes (I was wearing leggings today and find it best to have long runs when wearing shorts) 3 minute warm up -- start at 3.5 for minute 1, minute 2 increase to 3.8 and minute 3 increase to 4.0 mph. Increase to 6.1 minute 3-7 and then 7.0 mph minute 7-12, increase to 8.0 minute 13. Cooldown >>>>> elliptical for 25 minutes. Distance today?! So far at 6.43 miles. This includes my activity walking to the car, to the machines, at work, etc. I'll sometimes just monitor my mileage via on equipment.

Ya! That's a usual gym day. Well no. It actually used to be more treadmill, followed by more treadmill and even more. I'm trying to spice things up and I think I'm doing a pretty good job.

I guess I wanted to chat about a few things: 1) my psychiatrist mentioned how much progress I've made and I want to take a moment to step back, reflect, and praise myself. 2) I want to tell you about my dreams. My dreams about acting, taking a karate or self defense class, getting a certification in whatever it is I want (I'd love to be a personal trainer), teaching myself algebra because I need to pass my math requirement placement test (LOL), volunteering, etc. With time on my hands that I've never had before, i.e. when I worked like a maniac, I want to keep myself motivated and always doing something.



A little background about my psychiatrist. For one it is not the easiest thing to find someone to connect with in the mental health world. It's truly all about a connection. Insurance is a hassle, too. Finding someone with an experienced background in eating disorders makes it even more difficult. Prior to seeing Ethan, I was seeing Laura. #ReallyQuickRant << I had been taking klonopin since 2013. My anxiety at one point in my life was unbearable. I also used to abuse klonopin. I was honest with my doctor prior to Laura. When I confessed about my pill problem (klonopins and pain killers) the doctors gave my mother full control of administering my medicine and also picking it up from the pharmacy. Anyways I had an addiction, more mentally to this medicine. You know, the mental thought where you need it and if you don't get it you'll kick someone. I kept a very honest relationship with Laura. I didn't abuse my medication, or at least not regularly. I had an appointment with her but got sick, had to cancel, and then when I called to make another one she just so happened to abruptly go to Europe. She worked alone so without her physically writing prescriptions I wasn't going to get any without seeing her. Again since my mother handles my medicine and bless her soul she has so much on her mind all the time I don't know how she isn't medicated, she told me when I had like, two pills left that I needed a refill. My last resort was to call my PCP. He ended up filling the medicine for me and gave me just enough until she came back. So it was enough for about one or two weeks. Accidentally he wrote the dosage wrong. Rather than write "take 1 mg twice a day" he wrote "2mg twice a day". I didn't notice so here I am taking 4mg of this shit. The normal dosage is usually .5-1mg ONCE a day. When I went to see Laura I told her I had been drinking a bit more since I last saw her. She looked over my medications and FREAKED THE FUCK OUT that my PCP gave me 4 mg. She asked me, "and you didn't feel anything? Different?" HI, I USE TO TAKE 15 PILLS A DAY, SHIT. So what this genius shithead did was COMPLETELY REMOVED ME FROM THE MEDICATION!!!!!!! (This indicates my anger). Holy fucking hell was I a fucking nutcase. I got so upset. She then increased another medication I was on, lacmictol, to 400mg when I TOLD HER the last time a doctor did that, again I WENT FUCKING CRAZY. Her decision was so irresponsible and my therapist, Holly, could not believe her irrational move. What the fuck? Still so mad. My sister sees this idiot still to this day. Her license should get suspended. Even I, with the psychology classes I've taken, know NOT to cold turkey someone OFF THAT TYPE OF MEDICINE. So finding Ethan was a blessing. >>>

We didn't spend a lot of time talking about it but he said you've made so much progress since you first walked in my office. I thought out loud right there, shit you are right. I really have. I've touched upon this before as I'm sure I'll touch upon it again. I use to be a WALKING zombie. 2014 was a hard fucking year. My OCD and anxiety literally ate me up. I looked so sick, so sad, so freaking miserable. I did not sleep. I did not have an appetite. I don't remember laughing a lot. I wasn't home very often. My mom used (used or use to? I totally Googled this right now) call me her tenant because she barely saw me. People got worried. My grades slipped, my heath declined. My spirit washed away. I dried up. There were things I couldn't do. Like drive back and fourth. Let's say I went to work and forgot something and remembered half way. I couldn't turn back around to get it. No, no, driving back and fourth? No. I still struggle with driving to the same place or the same route but it's not that bad now. My handwriting in class had to be perfect because if it wasn't those notes would be rewritten. I had to make X amount of money per week because my brain told me to. I had to run X amount of miles. I didn't go out with my husband, not that we really go out now but I try more often than before to do things together. I was just so strict on myself. It wasn't fun being that way. It was rigid and critical. It hurt me.

I'm not that person anymore. I don't ever want to be again.

Since my distraction is slowly going elsewhere, I'm gonna end today's post. Tomorrow I'll talk about 2). I hope everyone is doing okay, staying warm, and feeling blessed.