Hi and welcome. Happy Thursday/ALMOST Friday! I hope that your week has been manageable and if not, my thoughts are with you for a better tomorrow.
A few prefaces before we begin today: 1) if you clicked on my Twitter link and saw me yelling at a bunch of high schoolers, I am sorry but I cannot apologize for that behavior. I am protective of my sister and will always be. I don't have time for ANYONE who thinks they're able to diagnose ANYTHING. And the only reason I claim to be able to at times is based off breathing psych for the last X amount of years. And at the end of the day, I always remind myself, even therapists have therapists, etc. Then I get mad at the system that sets up these stereotypes. Regardless, sister Jules - I love you. I always will. And you always have a home with me if WHS ever gets loud and annoying <3 (enjoy my twitter feed while it is up there, I'll disable the link shortly).
So - moving on to TODAY'S topic. "Que Me Nutrit Me Destruit" (idk if i spelled that right) but if you're a fan of Angelina's Jolie's perhaps you'll already know she has this tattoo somewhere on her body. If you've scrolled through my Facebook profile pictures, you'll see I have this tattoo on my back. What does it mean to me? I take it literally and let the record show I am not an Angelina Jolie fan (to be honest I've never watched a film, I don't think? Unbroken is still on my (very very very) long to-do list). What nourishes me destroys me = too much of ANYTHING can be harmful. Then, because I am me, I break it down further - what constitutes as "too much"? And, that's a personal question for you to answer. Some people would say having 10 dogs is too much. To me - that's just the start to my dog tribe. (I kid... sort of). So take that saying "what nourishes me destroys me" and apply it to your life, if you want.
Today I was reminded about my recovery journey and where I was 3 years ago - Sept 14 2014. See the pictures below (trigger warning if you're currently struggling with an ED):
Honestly, for now, this picture is enough. One day I can go through and make a recovery picture post but the purpose of tonight's snippet is to tell you how amazed I am with my recovery journey. The picture above is what anorexia looked like on me. Now, I never went below 90 lbs and I believe in that picture I'm about 93 ish. The thinner I became, the more I wanted to give up. Each day was an internal battle and honestly, I feel selfish writing about this. I felt selfish at the time struggling with anorexia. I would always say "shit, Isabella, there's CANCER out there, there's UNDIAGNOSABLE illnesses, there's BIRTH DEFECTS, and who you are to cry over the fact that you're scared to gain weight???" And now I know better. To stop THOSE thoughts, even today when I forget how to empathize with others, I stop those THOUGHTS. Our pain looks/feels different. Our struggles are different - but, please remember that anorexia kills. Eating disorders KILL. They are difficult to treat. And you, reading this, if you've EVER struggled with your body image, weight, or perception of yourself, please know that YOU can also change it. You do not have to hate yourself. I can speak for myself when I tell you 6 years of back and fourth with builmia and then anorexia, and eventually ED NOS (not otherwise specified) is worth the battle. It is WORTH IT to go to inpatient/residential/PHP/IOP/EGFOSMGOIGSOIGS anything you can DO to fight the voice in your head TELLING you you're not good enough. Because my God, you are.
Now, if you're on the other side and have no empathy for EDs/etc/whatever, that's cool, too. Do you.
We (live)/lived in a culture telling us how to be/act/dress/behave. Personally I said "fuck you" and started being myself at 21 ish. At 23 I (finally) developed into the woman I knew I was meant to be. Today, I am a savage - meaning, nothing can tear me down. I can freak out/cry/have a tantrum, but the comparison is that I get over them now. And never will I self-detroriate because I do not approve of myself. Today, Sept 14 2017 I could run to the top of the Hollywood Hills with my microphone and scream "I LOVE ISABELLA ARRUDA" (me talking about me, yeah). .....and Zac Efron..... SOOORRRRY let me dream - ok?? <3 haha
I wanted to include a quote here from "The Beauty Myth" by Naomi Wolf, but alas it will take an in-depth explanation to get my point across. Regardless, what I want to you to you reading this, female/male/unicorn/or minion, YOU are beautiful and powerful with your voice and thoughts. Keep being yourself because everyone else is taken. If you fall pressure to media or society, you will always fail. Uniqueness speaks louder than copycats. Creativity will always be an art. Don't make yourself fit in a box, it's not fun staying square - unless, of course, you want to.
We'll continue this at a later time.
all my love,