Late Night Reflections w Isabella 9.10.17

Hi, hello

Originally I thought this post would be about my trip to hometown; eh, it kinda is. Without a few distractions along the way. Read if you'd like, it's juicy af. In depth and analyzation should be my middle name. Pictures included ( with permission granted from those in them. Don't screen shot, you don't have my permission ;) ).

One thing I do want to talk about is my trip back home. It was incredible, to say the least. I had the option to visit my family and remind myself: "where do I come from?" With the current "American Greed" issues at hand, I had to take some time off. I had to disconnect fully from the Internet and focus on myself. Seriously.. I locked myself out of all of my accounts. It took me 2+ weeks to restore my iPhone and my Mac. To be honest with you, I didn't want to get back online. I wanted to take 5 steps back and remember what life was like without technology or Google.

I quickly ran back to Google, though. Hey - Google will always have the answer. And if Google doesn't know, open up a book.

Anyways. I come from a small town. Like, a super small town. Where everyone knows someone and someone's brother or cousin or uncle or SOMETHING. Small towns always annoyed me. I call it "small town thinking". In my opinion, small towns are safe zones. You'll always find a job, find a place to live, etc. And if you can't, you didn't have the resources - that's it. It's about resources, connections, rapport, etc. And money - right? Who can you live with to support you while you go to school, or start your first full-time job. Who can you count on day in and day out?

Back story: Prior to moving, and check my blog for the dates, I struggled with severe anxiety. At this time in my life I was in therapy 2x a week until I weaned myself off. I categorize myself as having the small town mindset. The "what if I can't make my rent, what if I get attacked, what-if, what-if" mindset. The anxious mindset. Each time I find my anxiety acting up, I calmly remind myself: Isabella. You are going to die one day. You might as well have lived a life doing EVERYTHING you wanted to do. (At this point in my life I refuse to take prescription meds or even consider visiting a psychiatrist. Meds are pushed constantly. And I am one example that you can recover from mental illnesses without medications. The secret is how you train your mind). 

Before I moved, on my BIRTHDAY! 23! Wooo - I spent the last year telling people my plans. At the time in 2015-2016, it was just a dream. Move across the country with my car and my clothes. At this point, I was in a serious relationship with someone whom I loved. But, I knew he didn't want to come along this journey to LA with me. The journey of struggling, living paycheck to paycheck, and having to be 100% independent because in California: you make it or you don't. In November of 2016 I ended my relationship of 3 (ish) years. And when I tell you how hard it was to depart from a manipulator, a liar, and a self-pitiful/greedy man, please mark (and quote) my words that it was a painful experience that I do not wish on anyone. Currently, I refuse to live in the past and re-live the experience. Essentially prior to my departure, I was dealing with a man who told me "I would never find a job in Los Angeles without him" and that "I would never become someone without his help". Needless to say I laughed each time he would say these things to me. Who are you, to think I need you?

Moving forward - I received some doubt and backlash. One of my psychologist's recommended I "live in Boston first with roommates to establish my independence and "being on my on two feet"". That one made me laugh, really hard. I remember our follow up appointment. I told her, "but I hate Boston and why would I pay to live HERE????" (When I say hate: I mean, I hate the fluctuations in weather, the angry energy, the sports filled behavior, the loudness, the fucking lame traffic - like guys you DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TRAFFIC IS, and the fact that SOOOOO many people on THE EAST COAST ARE NOT PAID WHAT THEY DESERVE BECAUSE THE EAST COAST FORCES EDUCATION ON YOU.) !!!! I absolutely cannot stand the mindset of "what's your major in college??" Psych HBU? Oh "fucking fluid hydraulics". Yeah, that's amazing and all. But don't rub your Master's in peoples' faces. Personally, grad school to me is a chore. One I have 0 desire in partaking in, but have decided to at least take 1-2 classes in the following year for fun. You can make money without ever stepping foot in school. It's called motivation and mainly, knowing your worth. - please read about it.

And. I digress again. OK SO WHERE WAS I GOING WITH THIS - ah, aight. Prior to having official plans to move across the damn country, I dipped my feet into peoples' reactions. Many, MANY said "where will you live, do you have a job, are you going to school?" you know - all those "important" questions. But then, I had many people, and I call these people "angels" who pushed me and said "finally you're moving. FINALLY" Other positive memos from the angels in my life: my parents/siblings/grandparents sat through all of the anxiety with me. Each time I would break down thinking I wasn't strong enough to be on my own, their love saved me. "Isabella, you can do this. You have always been able to do this." Positivity keeps me moving. Positive music, positive signs, positive vibes. Anything optimistic or upbeat. (Butttt trust me when I say there's a time to break down and cry). Anyways - the short version is in the last month my personal life fell apart. And I fixed it. In about 2 days. Then I went back home. To visit the ones who pushed me harder than I could have asked for. The people who BELIEVED IN ME before I believed in myself. The people who LOVED me when I couldn't love myself.

Then I set a date. And I fucking did it. And the experience has been nothing short of incredible. Each day I thank God for the opportunity to be alive, be healthy, and be living my dreams. My one dream - live in California. Live in Los Angeles. And love each and every second of it, despite how unfair the world can be sometimes to those just trying their hardest.

My last disclaimer to anyone wondering: I am fine. I have always been fine. I have counseling when and if I need it, in addition, I have a support team behind me. My family, my friends, and ALWAYS my animals. Ahhhhh. My animals are my pride and joy.  Some people have kids - me personally, eh. Your kid is gorgeous. But for me - I'll take 4 dogs and 3 cats any day. I kinda wanna sterilize myself and then adopt a baby, if I ever fall down that path of reproduction. Idk dude - most certainty not ANYTTIMEEE soon.

ALL MY LOVE.

-Bells.

When It's Easy Aug 2017

Just now I realized I'm having a rough day. Nothing really happened to categorize it as rough. No one died, no illness was deemed, everyone and everything are ok. But it's one of those days that my anxiety and depression want to scream.

"Worry about this, think about this, what if this doesn't happen, what if you go to Boston and something happens in LA, did you think about this?"

Today the voices don't end. My head hurts.

I encountered other people today who were stuck in their heads. Co-workers, people on the elevator, drivers on the 405. I realized that often times many of us get stuck in our heads. Some people just get out quicker. Today, for some reason, despite even going to the bathroom to pray, nothing was resolved. That led me to my next theme of the day which is instant gratification - this is another topic for another time.

Today I was tired. Today the pain that others close to me experience hurt me. Today I got angry. Today was just a day that everything triggered a button. The type where I wanted to roll my eyes. I wanted to be quick and difficult.

Luckily, I kept to myself today. I stayed in my lane. I knew my headspace wasn't appropriate for others. I didn't want to make someone else feel bad.

If I could take all of your problems away, I would. But I can't.

Happy August. Keep your head up. Keep doing what you can.

With all my love,

Bells.

 

I Would Suggest Wine When You Read This 7.5.17

**tangent and rambling filled**

Hi, you reading. I’m not sure who is visiting my blog but it looks like one day I got a total of EIGHT views?!?!?!? Where are you guys coming from? Don’t be shy. I’m a detail oriented person who will tell you anything and everything about anything. And I promise to ask you a billion questions because I care about who you are and who’ve you been.

I feel as if today/tonight (it’s 3am if anyone is wondering) is about disappointment. But I would like to add one step and go further: or maybe not actually. Ha – do any other writers ever spill it honestly like that? You mean open up my insecurities about topics I am not knowledgeable in. I want to WRITE ABOUT IT ALL! But I am not sure my words are backed up with proof. So I thread on water.

^^ The scribbles above were from a few days ago, Saturday night maybe? When I was on cloud 9. Today I am on cloud 10. Although I was shaken from the ground up (I’ll explain soon enough), I am hopeful. All honesty is that I was high and a little tipsy when writing those paragraphs. The fact that I wanted to discuss disappointment is important. When you are unsure of something, go with your gut. It’s a euphoric experience when you do it. I am not an expert in doing that, but I have been trying to allow my senses to show me the way. I think that when you can do this, you receive something different in return. I wouldn’t label it as “better” or “destiny”, but it is different, 100%.

So I’m gonna preach. And if this relates to you or anything you are going through, my purpose in writing succeeds. I can’t be the only one who feels this? How many people are sensitive, emotional, hyper, introverted, creative, thoughtful, genuine, funny, understanding, and make you feel like you’re on top of the world? Not many. But they exist. And when you find people like this, hold on and don’t let go.

I should start with saying as a habitual fuck-boy attractor, and someone who is completely blown away by the fact that some people in this world are actually just nice, now is a good time to really let myself express myself. I’m not sure why I was born this way, but for a long time, I felt something was wrong.

Why was I sensitive? Why are many reactions/responses/events, why do those seem to hit me like a ton of brick? Did other people think this way? Is it okay to care this much about everyone elses’ feelings? It didn’t feel normal.

I’m sure a bunch of my self-destructive tendencies come from this one thought. One. thought. That is all it took to direct a great life, to a not that great life. How many times I sat in pity because I was thinking a certain way. I wasn’t strong enough to control my head. Such a bummer, and such a waste of time that it took approximately 11 years to really get over this.

Anyways. I digress – please get used to this. I am not the type to tell a story and override one detail. If you ask, you probably won’t I’ll just offer and tell you, a long fucking story. Every detail. You’ll feel like you’re there if you want to feel that way.

Do you ever get that feeling when a song doesn’t fit the moment. Soon enough though, you find the right song? Yes. “It Ain’t Me” – Kygo. Did you also know that once upon a time I had a MySpace blog? Gosh, if only I could remember what the password to that profile is. It’s like puppies or something. I would absolutely roast myself if I found my blog.

Anyways.

Now, while we were supposed to talk about disappointments which is a huge freaking tangent I can dive face first into, my thoughts remain with my identity. Can we do both maybe?

I always want to say “I guess I am trying to say” or “I think I feel” or “I feel” statements and I am hating it. Recently I watched a podcast (yes, it was religious) and my understanding of it is that in order to create change, you need to hate what you’re doing. It’s possible to hate with good intention. I hate racism, I hate animal abuse, I hate lowering weights when I train shoulders, I hate being late, I hate not brushing my teeth, I hate feeling used, and I hate sinking to peoples’ levels.

What we talked about above in case your mind wandered is that hate statements as positive. Unless you’re super hardcore and a freak of nature that has the ability to just change their mind when they please, maybe try the hate method. I’ll try to and let you know how it goes.

Disappointments – back to the original point, and it’s nice to meet you here again. Reading this must feel like being in an airport and your flight is delayed every 30 min because it’s American Airlines.

I also like to live in the what-if’s. So please note that when I talk like this, I am not actually living in the what-ifs. You can’t live there. But I am acknowledging the severe train brain thought process that gets me every time.

I seriously think this happened recently and it’s a new wave connection in my brain because I’ve never thought this strongly, powerfully or passionately before. I am standing up for what I believe, questioning people in conversation, challenging people, molding to them, and having a great time while doing so. Who is this person that was social this weekend? Who is this person that went on a date to a museum? Who is this person who moved across the country with 0 expectations, just a heart filled with dreams? …. Me. This is some other level outer body feeling because I think my intuition just kicked in. Did someone transfer this energy my way at Hermosa Beach? Lyft driver, is it you? Since you didn’t snap me back although I thought we were vibing.

Maybe I was upset today because I came across as confident in my vibes, while being let down at the exact same time. SO.MANY.FEELINGS. I vibed with someone and it went 178% the other way of what I expected. Not cool universe, I thought everyone lived in my fairy tale and swept me off my feet.

This is the part I question myself. Perhaps it’s questioning out of curiosity. Which I’ve also learned is that I am a curious person. Also silly. Very silly, silly Bells. That’s a coping mechanism – you relate when I tell you adulting is hard.

Part of me wants to end talking. Part of me doesn’t. I’m still experimenting so I am trying new methods of writing. This is called “let it the fuck out”. I guess I should use my non-platform on Instagram and tell you my quote on my second last picture was “Is your focus on what is or what isn’t?”

I don’t handle disappointments very well. In fact, I handle them horribly. I cry. I look towards others for answers because I can’t take my own advice yet I expect to create amazing interactions with others, though right now I am struggling with how I connect to I. You get me? (this is the phrase I am starting to become self-conscious about. But I like saying it).

It hurts to be let down especially when you see such high potential in most people. Gosh, do I want you to own the world. Your world.

I don’t have the answer to disappointments. No idea. Laugh at them, let’s try that. Let’s end this with relate screenshots from Pinterest. If I’m ever more thoughtful, I’ll make it look good.

Paradise or Real Life? June 2017

Today I decided to take care of my needs. I wasn’t sure exactly what those needs are, what it is that needs attending to, or where to start. Since I’ve moved to the sunny state of California, I’ve actually been indoors more often than I’d like to admit. I remember about 4-5 weeks into moving in my apartment, the first and only time I took a stand and said to myself “I didn’t move across country to be cooped up. Cooped up in an office at work and then cooped up in my apartment”. That was the last time I went for a walk.

So today, despite waking up at 12:30 (I didn’t go to bed until 3am), I said you know what I’m going to go for a walk today. A walk feels good, it feels right. Explore. Wonder. Get some sun. And I did just that. Wow, do I feel so much better/positive/hopeful.

I like seeing things I haven’t seen before so the act of staying inside or finding excuses to not go out is me living it up in my comfort zone. But the problem with comfort zones is that change, reflection, internal realizations don’t happen there. They happen when you leave.

So right now as I am outside my apartment door, so close that my Wifi still connects and I can hear Liam, my cat, if he meows, I have my feet in the water and I reflect on the 2 simple choices I made today to improve my mental health.

Paradise or real life? It is both.

 

 

I Didn't Do It 6.12.17

Hello.

Every time I start to write, I stop. Every time I do write I do sit down to write, I am reminded of how it become my first love. Writing was always my thing.I used to be able to fall deep into books as well. My imagination was strong. I used to write daily. I used to research, explore, and analyze. But I don't anymore. And that bothers me.

Naturally, as a Pisces I am supposed to be creative, deep, analytical, emotional. It pains me to see how much I have digressed and disconnected from my soul. (I semi-joke about the zodiac sign part). I started this, what I am going to call, diary as a way to write without my hand hurting. Eventually as I aged my OCD worsened in regards to my handwriting. Handwriting always had to be perfect. So I stumbled on the internet. And then a couple months back, November or December I think, I said to myself "write again, please, especially as your move date to California came closer each day".  But... I didn't. Why didn't I.

Now I am writing this for me, not for you, bare that in mind. I feel as though, and rightly so, much of what is posted on the web is criticized, devalued, and misunderstood. Writing is an art. An art that looks different when compared. It's so unique that how can we compare?

Anyways. I don't think I even believe how difficult the last few months were. One aspect of mental illness that I am now lacking is empathy. Since recovery, two years ago, I have had a disconnected point of view. I'm not really sure when I became desensitize to it. Eventually my body forgot how to feel those things. Those emotions were closed. The emotions about wanting to die, feeling pathetic, hopeless and so, so dearly confused. I think today that if you just "believe you can" you will. And yes, that is true, but only partially.

I remember just wanting to change. I needed to help myself because after six years, I was proven to again and again that I am the only one who can bring myself out. I remembered my goal, move to California; live in LA. So I did it. I cried often during the transition period. In 2014 (oh my gosh, it has been three years...) I committed to recovery. Eventually 2 steps in became 10 steps, and then before my eyes I already took 100 steps. It came to a point where so many steps forward became "I can't undo this hard work". But, fuck, did I want to. When the jeans got tighter, when the butt became bigger, when the thighs expanded every single time I sat down, my gosh did I want to STOP and RUN back to the disorder (aka Abby).

I literally mean it when I tell you I put myself into God's hands. Now, sorry but not sorry for bringing religion into this. I respect your opinion about religion and your faith. I just want to express how I did not have an ounce of strength left in me to fight the demon in my head. I apply this not just to the eating disorder, but to the depression, anxiety and OCD voices. All of it became so tiring.

So here I am today. June 12 2017. Hot damn if you asked me back in January what I expected life to look like in June, I could not tell you. I had NO idea. Was I going to find a job? Was I going to move across country without having a mental breakdown? Was it going to be hard and I'd go crying back to my parents? I had no clue of what June would look like. But, not it's June. And I'm here. And I'm okay. Each day I become a bit more of an adult and it is fascinating of how this transition just happens.

I wished I had wrote it all down. What each day felt like. How in the beginning, me, Isabella with severe OCD, had gone routine-less for about 4 weeks. I lived in a hotel. then a sublet, then all of the sudden my first apartment. On my own. Completely on my own. In the second biggest city in America. Freshly recovered. Potentially trigger-able.

I did it. And while each day I am a bit upset I didn't capture the moments as they happened, I tell myself it is okay. It is better to write when I am able to. Write what I can. Just because I don't remember second by second doesn't mean I can't remember any of it.

 

 

I Can't Further Fib, Where Have I Been? OLD 2014 POST

Be forewarned if you have not already picked up on this little fact: I am a mess and sloppy with my writing. Whatever gets the thoughts out, am I right?

Hi, friends. I have been absent. I have been avoiding and ignoring my deepest internal energy and filling the void with marathons of SVU, an hour of cardio pretty much daily, and yet as there should be no surprise whatsoever, I feel the "s" word. Stuck.

I would love to catch up on what I've been doing, but there is not much to discuss. I sleep like a normal human being which is lovely. I have started physically attending college again. The semester of 2014 I only did three online classes. Now I am back at school Tuesdays and Thursdays taking 3 in-person classes and one online class. This keeps me occupied sometimes. I work four days a week totaling 23-26 hours per week. I spend about 1.5 hours in the gym.

Right now my anxiety is peeking as it's Spring weather aka time to change into more revealing clothes. The issue lay here that I am not the same body as I was last year. I am probably 3-7 pounds heavier and it shows, especially in my mind. I am trying to think that maybe this is my body dysmorphia disorder talking, but seriously it's been very difficult.

I do not know how to move forward in weight loss. Well, I do know. It's just not working or not working all the time. I am trying to write and change my thoughts by focusing that all influencing factors are controlled by me. I PUT THIS IN MY MOUTH, I need to acknowledge in moments that I know what I am doing to myself. A great example is the mindless snacking. I lack such will-power and the person I was this time last year did not. I am without the motivation, determination, and goals I used to have. Was I better person being overworked, exhausted, but still moving forward in this path of life?

I decided to come back to writing. I left my diary about eight or nine months ago and I miss it. I want to keep myself accountable for the things I say. I want to use my psychology knowledge and put it to action. That's really why I wanted to study psych, I want to figure myself out. If I can do that then I may be able to help many, many people.

Right now I need to set goals to become a thinner version of myself. This is not my eating disorder talking. I am happier when I am smaller. I find smaller appealing. I can be smaller. I will be smaller. I should start weighing myself. At least twice a week for accountability.

***THIS IS AN OLD POST. I FOUND IT IN MY DRAFTS. Probably 2014 I wrote this. Posting it due to memories, relevance, and you see Abby in true form***

Curvy in a Thin World 1.25.17

let-it-hurt-and-let-it-go.jpg

 

Once I accepted my body I opened the portal of "acceptance".

This is a daily struggle and it has a range. Accepting myself, accepting others, accepting I don't control all outcomes, accepting the future is unknown, and accepting that life always moves even when you want it to stand still.

Early on in adolescence, I felt I was programmed incorrectly. I was anxious, emotional, easily upset, easily angered, etc. Why wasn't I like others? Why did I struggle so heavily with my mental health? Thus eventually my eating disorder manifested and hot damn did she take over my life. I'll share this with you because why not. At age 16 (going on 17) my English class was reading "The Crucible". The main character, Abigail was a manipulating bitch to say it nicely. So alas I named what truly felt like another person in my head Abby. 

Over the course of my entries I'll dig further into Abby, but to surface this for our sole purpose of making a point, eventually, I taught myself to NOT accept who I am/was. To question it. Doubt it. Change it.  It started as hating my curves. I didn't get WHY I had to be curvy. This over time translated into a strong desire of thinness and when I finally reached that it was euphoric. Over time my illness took over my brain to the point where school and work were severely struggling. I had to change my mind. I had to fight the voice. I had to stand up, I had to take steps forward and I had to accept. There's no clear-cut way to do this. How I did it? I bought a dog. I quit one of my part time jobs. I avoided mirrors. I checked out - I took online classes that semester because leaving my home was too hard...

Once I accepted my body, I accepted myself. Once I accepted myself, I learned to stand up to fear. In essence, this move across country is so important to me because once upon a time the only move I thought possible was dug 10 feet underground in a cemetery.

Who am I? I am Isabella. I am funny. I make myself laugh all the time and I bet $10 I'll make you laugh at least once. I am furiously in love with animals - dogs, cats, horses, orangutans, birds, rats, snakes not so much but it's a work in progress. I am dramatic. I care so freaking much about your feelings. I can cry on command. I am strong, not because I lift weights regularly but because of the hardships, I've overcome. 

On an honest note, I feel this post was messy. But that's who I am at this moment in time - I'm messy. Yesterday I was crying and anxious as F and today I have faith that I will be okay. Do you ever feel like that? It's normal, you're not bipolar, you're human. My concluding point is once you can accept your body and your personality, you will believe in miracles.

Talk soon,

Isabella

 

Anxiety: What IF? 1.18.17

Honestly I live constantly in the world of "What if?" What if this happens, what is X says this, what if Y occurs when I do that, what if, what if, what if.

I call this anxiety. A word that's thrown around, a common disorder, one that I've been associated with for over 10 years now. Anxiety... she will slowly creep into your life, into your head, making you question your instincts, your knowledge, she'll fuck with you. Be aware.

What is anxiety? Per Google's search engine anxiety is a feeling of worry, unease, or nervousness typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain situation. So anxiety is common when you are moving across country by yourself (cough), realize it's been 30 minutes since your crush has texted you, study really hard for a chemistry exam you've struggled thus far with comprehending the material, get an e-mail from your boss saying "Let's talk about this sometime today", realize that the health of others isn't in your control, etc, etc, etc.

But what does anxiety feel like? Does it feel like your head is spinning, your stomach is in knots, your balance is off, your thoughts don't stop, your sweaty, not hungry, and thrown off balance? Does it make you reach for the substance? Yes, why yes it does. 

Some people, like myself struggle with severe anxiety. This anxiety is then translated to behaviors. I can only speak for myself and remember internalizing the worry as a reason to restrict, purge, over-exercise, stay up all night and think... Anxiety really took over my life, it held me captive and immobile for a good 2 years. Today, while I still deal often with anxiety (and without medication) I have found some ways to cope.

  • Breathe. Seriously, just try to breathe. Follow your breath for 10-30 seconds. Dim the lights, close your eyes, focus on your body. (The body focus part will be hard if you are in your first steps of recovery from an ED).
  • Acknowledge your head racing a million miles, notice don't control it. Just notice it. be aware. Be mindful.
  • Try to write it out. Sometimes seeing how irrational my thoughts are on paper or a Word doc in front of me helps me put things into perspective
  • Write 1, 2, or 3 things you're grateful for in this moment. If you can make it to 5 that's awesome and pretty badass
  • Do you believe in God? Do you believe in something? (The universe!) Lately this has helped me. Believing that what will happen, will happen. Worrying about it is energy that could be spent elsewhere.
  • This one may not be helpful, but is there anything you can do to distract yourself. Oftentimes in therapy or mindfulness groups, this isn't suggested. But for me in my experience sometimes a great TV show, a nap, or a good lift is pretty therapeutic
  • Talk to someone. Hear someone reassure you. Your mom, dad? A good friend? Having support is always beneficial

 

A lot of my  "what if" moments today came from my move. It's just like mind boggling that this is really happening. It's cool because I am taking control of my life and the one thing I have wanted/aspired/dreamt of is moving to Southern California. Guys, this is literally my freaking dream. And it's happening. But shit, the anxiety that has come with this sometimes feels impairing. So today as I spent 2+ hours on apartments.com (amongst other websites) realizing that $1,600 for a one bed room is all I'm going to find, especially if I want to come back and bring my dog with me, I'm going to have to accept this is the reality and the expense that comes with being in sunny palm tree land LA.

It's nerve wracking to me that I'm taking these steps on my own. But then, I remembered I am not alone. I have a great support system (my parents, primarily) behind me. My parents will help me financially and that is such a blessing. How many of you have this option in your life? I hope you do because it feels so cushiony to have someone to ask for if financially I find I'm in a pickle.

This can be another topic, but a huge OCD trait of mine is money. I am obsessive. So OCD + anxiety is not the best mix. Alas over the last two years I've made tremendous progress working on this. Although, it still exists, and is now about to be triggered. How will I handle this?

I'll use the suggestions I indicated above. I'll put all my trust into God. I'll be rational and realize that money is here to be spent. I will find a job. I will find an apartment. I will furnish the apartment. I will bring my dog to the West Coast once I'm settled. I will thrive. And I will not let my anxiety hinder my well-being.

If anyone reads this and has any suggestions as to how they handle their anxiety, please leave it below!

Talk soon,

Isabella

Where She Rises, She Will Not Fall 1.17.17

Wow.

Fuck do I feel empowered.

I had no idea I had I had a couple of blogs on this link. I am so glad I did! It gives me background and character. But damn, has my life changed since the last time I wrote.

2017 - where am I, who am I? Once I figure that out, I'll let you know.

The best news I can tell you is that I have found recovery. I walked the road and it was so much harder than I'll ever be able to describe. But I am here, I am healthy. I am in love with myself and my body. These are words I never expected to write. But, there they are.

As I venture into the world as a young adult, one hindering thought is "why did this eating disorder happen to me?" "Why did I struggle so deeply with addiction?" "Why did I walk the path of depression, anxiety, OCD, self-harm, self-hatred?" Truly, I don't know why. But as I grow older my connection to the universe/a spiritual being (Isabella, just say GOD) strengthens, I understand that our life path is purposeful. For the longest time I had the hardest time swallowing the reality that my life sucked and only I was able to take control. Fighting through the devils, the demons, the fire that filled my headspace was hard. Each day. Every minute. "Make it to the next 60 seconds, keep doing that, you can do this" Repeatedly telling myself this, everyday in and out.

So here I stand, almost 23, 97% recovered, because do we ever get to 100% on anything? I am about to take the biggest leap of faith and move across country with my savings account and clothes. I thought to myself what is my life purpose? Perhaps it is to share my struggle. I was always told as a child, an adolescent, a teenager, a kind-of-but-not-really little grown up in college that my writing is powerful. My words are strong and I want to utilize my skill, my creativity, and tell you what makes me me. 

What do you say? I'll bring you through the confusion, bravery, life questioning, anxious, exciting, thrilling next few months of my life. Let me tell you I anticipate this to be a freaking blast. I think I'll thrive - let's make bets. But in addition to that, I promise to be brutally honest. About everything. If you're reading, I am here for you and want to show you that you too can overcome any hardships that come to you. Just like I did. Just like I continue to do. Emotions, thought-processing, life's curveballs are all apart of the game. I finally want to participate. I want to share, speak, talk, create, and help others.

I hope you'll hang out.

Talk soon,

Isabella

 

Sometimes 5.8.15

Sometimes I feel it will all be okay. It's a magical tingly feeling that runs through my body. You sometimes feel pretty. I am proud of myself for setting not one, but two goals that I achieved today. To stay within my macros (or as close I've come to this whole week) and complete a large portion of my History paper.

Thirdly, now I that I think about it, I am so incredibly proud to say that I did not engage in steady, long and forced cardio this week. To make that accomplishment even bigger, I am so happy to say honestly I did not have severe anxiety towards it. As more realizations come to mind, I am so delighted to admit I threw those small jeans alway. I also hung up the new clothes that fit my new, vibrant, and very alive body.

If you have or had depression, you can connect to emotions. I showered more this week than I have in months, five times and it's Friday going into Saturday. You completed the strength training workouts that made me you feel better than you thought. You are currently taking care of your furry child who just got surgery. Look at how great you're doing. You are functioning and that is so god damn good.

Why not try to work on making "sometimes" turn into "oftentimes and even someday, "all the time". Remember how good that felt? Imagine how it would feel to get back to that place where you were peaceful. You are motivated by that part of your mind, the part of you that knows you can be yourself once again. And this time forever.

Day 4 FTW

**Posted Jan 2015**

 

Kicking ass, yet again. Although today is not over, I'm proud to say day 4 of my accountability with myself is going great. It's the second day I've gone to the gym before work and then after. I like waking up early. Today it was so cold, I snoozed for a moment and then I asked myself, "do you think 20 minutes of extra sleep will really make you feel better or worse?" So I got up and faced the freezing weather. Very proud of myself! I went to work, went back to the gym, doctors appointment, put away my laundry, cleaned a bit and here I am.

Today's workout (maybe I should log this? I'm not good with logging it on my phone lol) Although I have a workout plan -- yes I actually paid someone to tell me how to workout haha -- I like to do full body days rather than isolate body areas. Whatever!

  • 5:30AM - 2 miles (21 minutes) on the cybex machine ---- I wear my fitbit and trust that when it comes to mileage. So far I've experimented with three different types of trackers and the Fitbit flex seems to be the most accurate. Never trust the machine!
  • Squats - 10 x 2 w/ 40 lbs bar
  • Dumbells incline shoulder press 12.5 lbs 10 x 3
  • Dumbbell bicep curl 12.5 lbs 10 x 3
  • Cable bicep curl 20 lbs 10 x 2, 30 lbs 10 x 1

I went to work. Went back at 11:30. Tanned.

  • Chest press machine - 20 lbs 10 x 1, 25 lbs 10 x 1, 30 lbs 10 x 1
  • Seated row machine - 50 lbs 10 x 1, 60 lbs 10 x 1, 70 lbs 10 x 1
  • Leg extension (quads) 35 lbs 10 x 2 and 50 lbs 10 x 1
  • Abductor machine - 50 lbs 12 x 2 and 70 lbs 10 x 2
  • Cardio! Treadmill 15 minutes (I was wearing leggings today and find it best to have long runs when wearing shorts) 3 minute warm up -- start at 3.5 for minute 1, minute 2 increase to 3.8 and minute 3 increase to 4.0 mph. Increase to 6.1 minute 3-7 and then 7.0 mph minute 7-12, increase to 8.0 minute 13. Cooldown >>>>> elliptical for 25 minutes. Distance today?! So far at 6.43 miles. This includes my activity walking to the car, to the machines, at work, etc. I'll sometimes just monitor my mileage via on equipment.

Ya! That's a usual gym day. Well no. It actually used to be more treadmill, followed by more treadmill and even more. I'm trying to spice things up and I think I'm doing a pretty good job.

I guess I wanted to chat about a few things: 1) my psychiatrist mentioned how much progress I've made and I want to take a moment to step back, reflect, and praise myself. 2) I want to tell you about my dreams. My dreams about acting, taking a karate or self defense class, getting a certification in whatever it is I want (I'd love to be a personal trainer), teaching myself algebra because I need to pass my math requirement placement test (LOL), volunteering, etc. With time on my hands that I've never had before, i.e. when I worked like a maniac, I want to keep myself motivated and always doing something.

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A little background about my psychiatrist. For one it is not the easiest thing to find someone to connect with in the mental health world. It's truly all about a connection. Insurance is a hassle, too. Finding someone with an experienced background in eating disorders makes it even more difficult. Prior to seeing Ethan, I was seeing Laura. #ReallyQuickRant << I had been taking klonopin since 2013. My anxiety at one point in my life was unbearable. I also used to abuse klonopin. I was honest with my doctor prior to Laura. When I confessed about my pill problem (klonopins and pain killers) the doctors gave my mother full control of administering my medicine and also picking it up from the pharmacy. Anyways I had an addiction, more mentally to this medicine. You know, the mental thought where you need it and if you don't get it you'll kick someone. I kept a very honest relationship with Laura. I didn't abuse my medication, or at least not regularly. I had an appointment with her but got sick, had to cancel, and then when I called to make another one she just so happened to abruptly go to Europe. She worked alone so without her physically writing prescriptions I wasn't going to get any without seeing her. Again since my mother handles my medicine and bless her soul she has so much on her mind all the time I don't know how she isn't medicated, she told me when I had like, two pills left that I needed a refill. My last resort was to call my PCP. He ended up filling the medicine for me and gave me just enough until she came back. So it was enough for about one or two weeks. Accidentally he wrote the dosage wrong. Rather than write "take 1 mg twice a day" he wrote "2mg twice a day". I didn't notice so here I am taking 4mg of this shit. The normal dosage is usually .5-1mg ONCE a day. When I went to see Laura I told her I had been drinking a bit more since I last saw her. She looked over my medications and FREAKED THE FUCK OUT that my PCP gave me 4 mg. She asked me, "and you didn't feel anything? Different?" HI, I USE TO TAKE 15 PILLS A DAY, SHIT. So what this genius shithead did was COMPLETELY REMOVED ME FROM THE MEDICATION!!!!!!! (This indicates my anger). Holy fucking hell was I a fucking nutcase. I got so upset. She then increased another medication I was on, lacmictol, to 400mg when I TOLD HER the last time a doctor did that, again I WENT FUCKING CRAZY. Her decision was so irresponsible and my therapist, Holly, could not believe her irrational move. What the fuck? Still so mad. My sister sees this idiot still to this day. Her license should get suspended. Even I, with the psychology classes I've taken, know NOT to cold turkey someone OFF THAT TYPE OF MEDICINE. So finding Ethan was a blessing. >>>

We didn't spend a lot of time talking about it but he said you've made so much progress since you first walked in my office. I thought out loud right there, shit you are right. I really have. I've touched upon this before as I'm sure I'll touch upon it again. I use to be a WALKING zombie. 2014 was a hard fucking year. My OCD and anxiety literally ate me up. I looked so sick, so sad, so freaking miserable. I did not sleep. I did not have an appetite. I don't remember laughing a lot. I wasn't home very often. My mom used (used or use to? I totally Googled this right now) call me her tenant because she barely saw me. People got worried. My grades slipped, my heath declined. My spirit washed away. I dried up. There were things I couldn't do. Like drive back and fourth. Let's say I went to work and forgot something and remembered half way. I couldn't turn back around to get it. No, no, driving back and fourth? No. I still struggle with driving to the same place or the same route but it's not that bad now. My handwriting in class had to be perfect because if it wasn't those notes would be rewritten. I had to make X amount of money per week because my brain told me to. I had to run X amount of miles. I didn't go out with my husband, not that we really go out now but I try more often than before to do things together. I was just so strict on myself. It wasn't fun being that way. It was rigid and critical. It hurt me.

I'm not that person anymore. I don't ever want to be again.

Since my distraction is slowly going elsewhere, I'm gonna end today's post. Tomorrow I'll talk about 2). I hope everyone is doing okay, staying warm, and feeling blessed.

Accomplishing Life Day 3 (day 4 in the works) 1.7.15

I'm doing it, I really am! I have never felt better. Last night I had some thoughts. A lot of thoughts, actually.

*Recap yesterday* My hearing has not declined! Something you may not know, I have profound hearing loss in my right ear and near profound in my left. I had to do a bunch of tests to see how it's doing and from six months ago, it's the same. That's good. It means there's no loss! I also walked my dog three times yesterday. I usually only do two times and then I've been putting him in the yard because it's so cold but he doesn't like that. I sucked up hatred of the cold (one of my goals) and did it. I got my eyebrows waxed and it made me feel good. My husband and I went grocery shopping. Overall it was a really good day.

--- When I was younger I lived in my imaginary world. Literally. My therapist tells me this is normal but hear me out. I had an imaginary everything. From a dog to a husband. I talked to what appeared to be thin air, but in my head was a person. I lived this great life. I was famous. I had my nose pierced and tattoos. I lived a double life. >>>> So I concluded this imagination was created to cope with whatever it was that was going on when I was younger. I was an only child for seven years so the imagery kept me company. When my siblings were born I felt avoided by my parents. My dad also walked in and out of my life at this time. I stopped playing pretend at about age 13 when reality and my imagination collided. I could no longer play my duel life in my attic. I realized it was fake.

Ok so a huge part of my childhood was Good Charlotte. Yes, laugh. But to me they were an escape. Their music helped me. Their creativity inspired me. I liked how they weren't the "norm". Not really in magazines, not really that famous, but famous enough. I went through a lot with Benji and Joel, hahaha. Publicity crap. I've met the band three times before. In 2010 when I met them (huge thanks to my then boyfriend, aka my first love, aka huge part of my life (was)) it was one of the best days ever. I remember having the set drive of accomplishing getting back stage. With tears and determination, I did so. >>Long story short my boyfriend had got us backstage passes as a gift but it was only for Boys Like Girls. I didn't care for them, I wanted to meet GC. This was during their Bamboozle tour. I saw everyone that had passes for GC going backstage. I literally just stood outside from where everyone was entering BAWLING my eyes out for over an hour. My boyfriend was like, "can you please stop?" and I'm all "STOP THIS WILL WORK HAVE FAITH IN MY TEARS!!" And ta da! It did! The drummer (who one year later pointed me out in the crowd and said "see you after the show?") saw my Good Charlotte shirt and asked me why I was crying. I told him the Comcast Center basically screwed me and when he heard how much money we spent HE took us back stage. It was a great day.

ARE YOU STILL WITH ME? I promise, there's a point to this blabber. Apparently because seriously where do magazines get their information? All "articles" have the exact same thing as the one you just read. Cameron Diaz and Benji got married yesterday.

How does this effect me? First it made me realize that jealousy can kill and this is an area I want to look at in further depth. Jealousy prevents happiness, jealousy creates drama, pain and anger. Secondly, letting go of this childhood fantasy was painful. It was a safe spot. Like my eating disorder. See my connections? I've always had this dream that I would at least get to first base with B. (Stop! Don't laugh! I promised myself at age 10 that if he was not married by the time I was 18, he was waiting for me! Hahaha, stooppp, I realized all this sounds crazy but can you connect with me here?)

I guess it was all about the dream. Just like my dream to act. It's been MY DREAM. I have no experience, I simply have passion. To be someone else momentarily. Acting gets you out of your shoes. It challenges you. I have never done anything to fill this passion other than my imaginary world I had when I was younger. I'll be the first to admit I don't believe in myself. Rejection makes me scared.

^^^^^^^^^^

I wrote this yesterday. It's a bad habit of mine to walk away. My thoughts are just so sporadic sometimes. I have these great points, connections, analysis, but then I just forget! UGH. I promise to be a little less messy. But sometimes that's what I like about writing - the messiness you can create. Untangle yourself. Writing my next post today (1/7) and I hope to post it the same day! I'll be back.

Accomplishing Life Day 2 - Jan 2015

Good Morning to my non existent audience! Yesterday I briefly posted about my goals. I'm happy to tell you that I was 110% committed and you'll never guess what - I worked out this morning before work. On Mondays I open up the doors at my job so I have a responsibility to be here at 6AM. I tossed and turned, went to look at my phone and saw that it was 4:30am. Rather than snoozing for 15 minutes, I got up! I told my husband I was going to leave early. He handled it okay. I mean seriously, who would cheat that early in the morning? And with who, an ER doctor? Let's be real. (My initial plan was to wake up around 4:45 and do a workout in the basement with my $130 elliptical which isn't that great but it makes for no excuses. The gym just has that aroma. Especially since people are home from college now. It seems that every time I go to the gym that is when everyone is there! Lately my social anxiety has been increasing). Oh, oh, and yesterday my eating was ON POINT. I feel great. I feel accountable, responsible, and awesome. For now... please let this feeling stay.

My workout this morning was 10 minutes on a real elliptical. I got about a mile down according to my #FitBit. Then I proceeded to take 12.5 pound dumbells and did a set of lying down shoulder presses, bicep presses, and lat raises. I then picked up the curly 50 pound bar (apparently I'm stronger in the morning because after work I can never get this damn thing over my head) and did 10 lunges per leg and about 15 squats with it. I moved over to the cable machine and did some back work. 1 set of 10 reps for 40, 1 set for 50 pounds. Lastly I did some work with 20 and 30 pounds for my back. It was a refreshing workout and it made me feel really good! Music is more upbeat at that time. The world is just better. Getting that in makes me more motivated to finish my second workout. So it's been a good start so far. Hoping to wake up early tomorrow and the day and day after that.

Can't lie, nervous to start school. I'm scared of my nerves.

^^ That was a side note! Woah.

Let's see. What else is on my mind? Today after I leave work, I will go to the gym until maybe 12:30? I want to do my best to get about 4-5 miles today, but my hamstrings are on fireeee. I have a hearing appointment at 2:30. I also want to go grocery shopping. Depending on what time I get out of my appointment, maybe I'll get my eyebrows done. Go to the library. Joella needs new pee pads. The ones we have stink! (Checking bank account, brb).

  • I've been thinking about some more goals. I want to set aside $50 every week to my savings account. Small changes.
  • I want to attend church once a month. I think making a goal to attend every week is setting me up for failure, so once a month is good.
  • (Side note I need to buy a calendar). Keep better track of things.
  • Hang out with my friends before they leave. Set aside one to two times a month to see my good friend. She always makes me happy and social anxiety, you know.

Hmmmm ....

What else to do today? Clean the bathroom? Vacuum? Maybe finally put away my clothes and the suitcases! Haha. Do some laundry. I should look around for my other Portuguese book that I'll need for school. I should also purchase my textbooks for this semester. Well, maybe I'll visit you later! Until then we'll check in tomorrow for day 3 of awesomeness :) My goal is to tell you I woke up before 6:45 and made it to the gym to accomplish the day.

Accomplishing Life Day 2 - 1.5.15

Good Morning to my non existent audience! Yesterday I briefly posted about my goals. I'm happy to tell you that I was 110% committed and you'll never guess what - I worked out this morning before work. On Mondays I open up the doors at my job so I have a responsibility to be here at 6AM. I tossed and turned, went to look at my phone and saw that it was 4:30am. Rather than snoozing for 15 minutes, I got up! I told my husband I was going to leave early. He handled it okay. I mean seriously, who would cheat that early in the morning? And with who, an ER doctor? Let's be real. (My initial plan was to wake up around 4:45 and do a workout in the basement with my $130 elliptical which isn't that great but it makes for no excuses. The gym just has that aroma. Especially since people are home from college now. It seems that every time I go to the gym that is when everyone is there! Lately my social anxiety has been increasing). Oh, oh, and yesterday my eating was ON POINT. I feel great. I feel accountable, responsible, and awesome. For now... please let this feeling stay.

My workout this morning was 10 minutes on a real elliptical. I got about a mile down according to my #FitBit. Then I proceeded to take 12.5 pound dumbells and did a set of lying down shoulder presses, bicep presses, and lat raises. I then picked up the curly 50 pound bar (apparently I'm stronger in the morning because after work I can never get this damn thing over my head) and did 10 lunges per leg and about 15 squats with it. I moved over to the cable machine and did some back work. 1 set of 10 reps for 40, 1 set for 50 pounds. Lastly I did some work with 20 and 30 pounds for my back. It was a refreshing workout and it made me feel really good! Music is more upbeat at that time. The world is just better. Getting that in makes me more motivated to finish my second workout. So it's been a good start so far. Hoping to wake up early tomorrow and the day and day after that.

Can't lie, nervous to start school. I'm scared of my nerves.

^^ That was a side note! Woah.

Let's see. What else is on my mind? Today after I leave work, I will go to the gym until maybe 12:30? I want to do my best to get about 4-5 miles today, but my hamstrings are on fireeee. I have a hearing appointment at 2:30. I also want to go grocery shopping. Depending on what time I get out of my appointment, maybe I'll get my eyebrows done. Go to the library. Joella needs new pee pads. The ones we have stink! (Checking bank account, brb).

  • I've been thinking about some more goals. I want to set aside $50 every week to my savings account. Small changes.
  • I want to attend church once a month. I think making a goal to attend every week is setting me up for failure, so once a month is good.
  • (Side note I need to buy a calendar). Keep better track of things.
  • Hang out with my friends before they leave. Set aside one to two times a month to see my good friend. She always makes me happy and social anxiety, you know.

Hmmmm ....

What else to do today? Clean the bathroom? Vacuum? Maybe finally put away my clothes and the suitcases! Haha. Do some laundry. I should look around for my other Portuguese book that I'll need for school. I should also purchase my textbooks for this semester. Well, maybe I'll visit you later! Until then we'll check in tomorrow for day 3 of awesomeness :) My goal is to tell you I woke up before 6:45 and made it to the gym to accomplish the day.

The Last Week 1.4.15

The last week has been... lazy. Since we got back from PR the first week way okay, and then with the holidays I really let myself out of routine, which is unlike me. I've been so tired lately probably due to sleeping too much! It's time to stop. I wanted to write down some goals for this year, or ways/things I can do on a daily or weekly basis to make myself feel better. Overall I know I am heavier. I have three weeks before school starts to slim down just a tiny bit. So my focus for the next three weeks will be cardio and my diet. I need to be 150% focused and I acknowledge that I'm not. I will be though, this is our promise. I just don't believe in myself sometimes and let myself slip away and be lazy. I've always wanted to be motivated & determined.

  • Brush my teeth 2x a day
  • Finish one book every month (or every 2)
  • Get A's in two of my classes
  • Accept the cold
  • Wake up within the same time frame EVERY day - get 8 or 9 hours of sleep every night
  • Go to the gym before work and after, aim for 6-8 miles M/W
  • On Friday's wake up before 10 !!!!
  • Weekly aim for 20-25 miles
  • Wash my face every morning or night - clean up that acne!
  • Walk Charlie twice a day (I HATE going out in this cold)
  • Find pleasure in showering
  • Use that Ninja once a day
  • Change sheets every week
  • Be responsible and take my medications every day
  • Do my best to drink a gallon of water
  • Drink green tea as much as I can
  • Don't be stuck to my bed
  • Watch less T.V.
  • Plan days out
  • Get a massage every other month as a treat

I'll try my best. I'll do my best. I'll check in with you to let you know. Let's be accountable together. :)

Too Much Time 12.26.14

I feel meaningless sometimes. I wonder if I died at this moment, who would miss me? I know my pets would. My mom and my husband. Maybe some friends. My boss. Who would come to my funeral?

Most of the time I am scared. Fearful to venture out. At some point my husband and I will have to move out. Mentally I can't handle that. Currently in life I have free time. Yet there will be a point in life where I do not have free time. I'd like to do something with my spare time, rather than just watch T.V. all day and stay in bed. How do you become successful at something? Where is an area that I would like to improve in?

Hobbies. I need something to do.

--- There is so much my eating disorder have taken away from me in life. There are so many things I have not done because of it. There are activities/events that I avoid now. For example my friend is throwing a NYE party and I want to go. But I should be dieting. Right now you know I'm struggling between regression or recovery. The weight gain is incredibly hard to accept. The mindset of how I should look, eat, and be is far from where I am. I just want to feel and be thin... -- I come back to this sentence. I must try my best to remember how hard it is to live that life. That commitment can be put elsewhere, can't it? Shouldn't it?

In my previous post I mentioned to be mad at the disorder. I rethink this sometimes because the disorder acts as a friend when you feel lonely.

--- I should probably see my therapist. I want to focus on other things aside from this persona. My mind is still sick. I want to make it better. But I still want to lose weight. If I promise to be good can we do it together?

I think the plan until January 26 (to slim down) will be cardio 6 times a week. 2 days can be intervals first, followed by steady state. Mileage I am aiming for is 4-6 miles per session. I will lift 3 times a week. Because right now my main goal is to slim down first. I have to get my nutrition in play and I think that is what is hurting me. Clean foods. Measuring the foods. 1,133 calories per day. I will weigh myself in 10 days. I can do this without being a crazy person. It's possible. I sometimes just feel like I can't set myself to a goal and that's annoying. But I CAN DO THIS AND I WILL DO THIS. I'll take my before and after pictures. I'll be proud of my body's potentials.