Originally I thought this post would be about my trip to hometown; eh, it kinda is. Without a few distractions along the way. Read if you'd like, it's juicy af. In depth and analyzation should be my middle name. Pictures included ( with permission granted from those in them. Don't screen shot, you don't have my permission ;) ).
One thing I do want to talk about is my trip back home. It was incredible, to say the least. I had the option to visit my family and remind myself: "where do I come from?" With the current "American Greed" issues at hand, I had to take some time off. I had to disconnect fully from the Internet and focus on myself. Seriously.. I locked myself out of all of my accounts. It took me 2+ weeks to restore my iPhone and my Mac. To be honest with you, I didn't want to get back online. I wanted to take 5 steps back and remember what life was like without technology or Google.
I quickly ran back to Google, though. Hey - Google will always have the answer. And if Google doesn't know, open up a book.
Anyways. I come from a small town. Like, a super small town. Where everyone knows someone and someone's brother or cousin or uncle or SOMETHING. Small towns always annoyed me. I call it "small town thinking". In my opinion, small towns are safe zones. You'll always find a job, find a place to live, etc. And if you can't, you didn't have the resources - that's it. It's about resources, connections, rapport, etc. And money - right? Who can you live with to support you while you go to school, or start your first full-time job. Who can you count on day in and day out?
Back story: Prior to moving, and check my blog for the dates, I struggled with severe anxiety. At this time in my life I was in therapy 2x a week until I weaned myself off. I categorize myself as having the small town mindset. The "what if I can't make my rent, what if I get attacked, what-if, what-if" mindset. The anxious mindset. Each time I find my anxiety acting up, I calmly remind myself: Isabella. You are going to die one day. You might as well have lived a life doing EVERYTHING you wanted to do. (At this point in my life I refuse to take prescription meds or even consider visiting a psychiatrist. Meds are pushed constantly. And I am one example that you can recover from mental illnesses without medications. The secret is how you train your mind).
Before I moved, on my BIRTHDAY! 23! Wooo - I spent the last year telling people my plans. At the time in 2015-2016, it was just a dream. Move across the country with my car and my clothes. At this point, I was in a serious relationship with someone whom I loved. But, I knew he didn't want to come along this journey to LA with me. The journey of struggling, living paycheck to paycheck, and having to be 100% independent because in California: you make it or you don't. In November of 2016 I ended my relationship of 3 (ish) years. And when I tell you how hard it was to depart from a manipulator, a liar, and a self-pitiful/greedy man, please mark (and quote) my words that it was a painful experience that I do not wish on anyone. Currently, I refuse to live in the past and re-live the experience. Essentially prior to my departure, I was dealing with a man who told me "I would never find a job in Los Angeles without him" and that "I would never become someone without his help". Needless to say I laughed each time he would say these things to me. Who are you, to think I need you?
Moving forward - I received some doubt and backlash. One of my psychologist's recommended I "live in Boston first with roommates to establish my independence and "being on my on two feet"". That one made me laugh, really hard. I remember our follow up appointment. I told her, "but I hate Boston and why would I pay to live HERE????" (When I say hate: I mean, I hate the fluctuations in weather, the angry energy, the sports filled behavior, the loudness, the fucking lame traffic - like guys you DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TRAFFIC IS, and the fact that SOOOOO many people on THE EAST COAST ARE NOT PAID WHAT THEY DESERVE BECAUSE THE EAST COAST FORCES EDUCATION ON YOU.) !!!! I absolutely cannot stand the mindset of "what's your major in college??" Psych HBU? Oh "fucking fluid hydraulics". Yeah, that's amazing and all. But don't rub your Master's in peoples' faces. Personally, grad school to me is a chore. One I have 0 desire in partaking in, but have decided to at least take 1-2 classes in the following year for fun. You can make money without ever stepping foot in school. It's called motivation and mainly, knowing your worth. - please read about it.
And. I digress again. OK SO WHERE WAS I GOING WITH THIS - ah, aight. Prior to having official plans to move across the damn country, I dipped my feet into peoples' reactions. Many, MANY said "where will you live, do you have a job, are you going to school?" you know - all those "important" questions. But then, I had many people, and I call these people "angels" who pushed me and said "finally you're moving. FINALLY" Other positive memos from the angels in my life: my parents/siblings/grandparents sat through all of the anxiety with me. Each time I would break down thinking I wasn't strong enough to be on my own, their love saved me. "Isabella, you can do this. You have always been able to do this." Positivity keeps me moving. Positive music, positive signs, positive vibes. Anything optimistic or upbeat. (Butttt trust me when I say there's a time to break down and cry). Anyways - the short version is in the last month my personal life fell apart. And I fixed it. In about 2 days. Then I went back home. To visit the ones who pushed me harder than I could have asked for. The people who BELIEVED IN ME before I believed in myself. The people who LOVED me when I couldn't love myself.
Then I set a date. And I fucking did it. And the experience has been nothing short of incredible. Each day I thank God for the opportunity to be alive, be healthy, and be living my dreams. My one dream - live in California. Live in Los Angeles. And love each and every second of it, despite how unfair the world can be sometimes to those just trying their hardest.
My last disclaimer to anyone wondering: I am fine. I have always been fine. I have counseling when and if I need it, in addition, I have a support team behind me. My family, my friends, and ALWAYS my animals. Ahhhhh. My animals are my pride and joy. Some people have kids - me personally, eh. Your kid is gorgeous. But for me - I'll take 4 dogs and 3 cats any day. I kinda wanna sterilize myself and then adopt a baby, if I ever fall down that path of reproduction. Idk dude - most certainty not ANYTTIMEEE soon.
ALL MY LOVE.